Back in Town

We pulled into the driveway around 1am EST on Christmas Eve and it felt wonderful to get home!  We've had Christmas celebrations, quality time with family, and I got to go see people at church whom I love.  Mom, my sister, and I sang a trio, and tonight, mom and I went to a zumba class (that was free). 

One special moment I had today happened after mom, dad, and I went to the laundry mat.  We had put the clothes in to wash and walked to a convinent store next door.  I got some french vanilla cappacino while mom and dad got soft drinks.  When we walked out the door, there was an employee that was coming back in.  She had a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.  She threw away her smoke and said that she found the bottle behind the store.  She then asked us if we wanted a shot of vodka... and then said, "I'm just kidding!"  I later wondered if she was kidding about offering to share or if she was kidding about finding the bottle (that seemed to be hers).  Oh how I love being home! 

The world is filled with so many interesting characters... as well as laughter from what they say.  Its so good to be home!

Here at the End of All Things

Frodo Baggins once said, "I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee; here at the end of all things."  We all know that the movie didn't end there.  In fact, it had many fade-outs that made one think it was the end, when, in fact, it just kept going for those of us who apparently need more closure than others.  In the same respect, I write to you tonight.

This week is the end of all things... but not.  Sunday was the last performance of the Christmas Choir (for me anyway).  Monday was the last day for Language Acquisition and Tuesday (today) was the last day for Foundations of Ministry.  Tomorrow will be the last day of Ministry to the Muslim World and Thursday will be the last day for Church Planting.  This isn't all, though. 

Saturday will be the last day I'll be living in Texas (for a very long time as I can foresee as of now) and many people are heading out tomorrow (back to their homes for Christmas and/or going to the mission field).  Even now, I just experienced the last episode of season 10 of Stargate SG-1 (which I have loved and hate to have it go). 

Just like the movie of "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King", this is not the end.  Also, within that movie was a wonderful quote from Gandalf:  "End?  No, the journey does not end here."  I know he's primarily talking about death, but all of life is a journey, and a journey implies many transitions.  That is all this is.  This time is a transition.  Though transitions are difficult, they are a way to progress and lean on God even more.  There is nothing else more steady for a world with so many changes, transitions, and journeys. 

Week of Homework and Thanks

For a while, I've gotten the opportunity to dog-sit and house-sit nearer to where I'm taking classes.  This last week, classes were cancelled (for Thanksgiving break) and the person whose dog I was taking care of came and picked him up.  I was all by myself, except for my dog Toby, and though Toby had stitches and a couple of complications, its been great.

For most people, I hear its difficult to focus and do homework.  For the rare few that seem to do this naturally, I applaud you.  I'm not really that kind though.  This is the second round of classes I've had, and I still needed to get two papers from the first round done.  I now have only three more weeks of classes left and decided that this was the best chance of me catching up and (possibly) getting ahead I'd ever get.  ...so I took it. 

I divided ALL of the work I could do (without the rest of class time), and split it up.  Now, looking back at this week, I can see how much I've done!  Its incredible!  I wanted to do all of my work so all I have to finish at the end of these next three weeks would be the last bits of two (maybe three) papers and a smaller amount of reading.  So far, its worked.  Tonight, though, I just can't quite focus.  Oh well.  I'm getting there.

After giving some thanks on Thursday (and Friday, because of my dog being alright), I look back tonight and continue gushing out gratitude for getting so much homework done (where I probably never would've if I didn't get the chance to do some house-sitting).  Praise God!

Seeing the Unseen

After a long days work, I decided I needed to chill.  Toby seemed happy to finally be out of his cage and we watched a movie together.  In the middle of it, he starts kind of freaking out.  Since I'm staying at the house of friends who are out of town, I make sure things are locked up and am pretty sure I could hear someone sneaking in.  I paused the movie, got a knife, and started looking around where Toby did not want to go (and was somewhat growling at).  I didn't find anything or anyone.  He was still hesitant to go around there while I finished the movie.

Could he have seen something unseen?  (I think of Balaam's donkey... Let's hope there's not an angel out to get me... or anything else for that matter.)

People at Starbucks

I've realized that I come to Starbucks a lot recently.  I do love their drinks and the ambiance of the coffee shop, but the main reason I come here is to get things done.  I try so hard at the house, but either I'll get distracted by something else I need to do or my little cousins will come in and want to play.  I just can't really focus.  Plus, I know almost all of my songs and end up singing along whereas (at Starbucks) I don't know all the songs and they usually play a good set of songs to listen to as well as focus in on other things.

Each time I've come here, I always notice the people.  One of the first times I came to study, I met Alex (who works here).  He and I talked about linguistics and missions and overseas ... and he got me a really big glass of water.  The next time I came, he introduced me to Kevin and Nick (who also work here).  I've met one of my friends from class to study; started up a conversation with a French guy named Jon Pierre; been in between a table of Americans (speaking English) and a table of Asians (speaking, I believe, Mandarin Chinese); been asked to watch a couple's things; and been told by a guy with a cool hat and skateboard that he liked my toe ring (but didn't want to say anything at first just in case I though he was creepy). 

There are so many different, unique, interesting people here... not just at Starbucks, but in this world.  There are too many times that the Christian community doesn't realize this and stays in a bubble of somewhat "clones".  God has made each of us unique. 

I had had issues (and am still dealing with some) with who I am and who I'm becoming.  I've heard countless times about wanting to become more like Jesus.  For some reason, my mind began wondering if Jesus ever would play a guitar or laughs at random thoughts that reminds him of past experiences.  For some reason, I thought that I would end up becoming a cookie-cutter clone that is like everyone else.  I'm trying to remember everyday that the underlying meaning of the character of Jesus is what is beautiful in becoming.  It doesn't mean I give up being who God made me and is shaping me into.  Its a meshing of souls (letting him take over and having him sculpt what he already put there that's special to just me).

Pop-Out Episodes

Gosh, I love just to write... not all the time, of course, but its just good.  I had my hot chocolate, finally got candles burning, and watched me some Stargate SG-1.  Its amazing what that show has done to me just today.  Earlier, I watched an episode that was about a parasite that made you sleepy.  SG1 had to stay awake or they might die.  (Don't worry.  They found the cure in time.)  Honestly, after that, I couldn't stop yawning. 

Another episode that I just watched reminded me of those scary movies you watch around Halloween.  There's a creature hunting you and you have to kill it before it kills you!  It had humor in it, though, so I don't think I'll be having nightmares. 

One over-arching theme in that same episode was slowing down and getting some RnR time (rest and relaxation).  Mitchel did that differently.  He was usually at ease in action and such, but he didn't know how to stop what he was doing and just be.  I think more people can relate to him.  Its super healthy to chill and take time off.  God kinda wishes it for us too.  Its not all about doing, but being... and then doing will follow. 

Find what your "candles and hot chocolate" are for you.  Some of us need practice in just existing and taking it easy.  P-E-A-C-E.  Be still.

Chill in the Air

There's something about writing while wearing more comfortable clothes, slipping a warm drink (preferably chai tea), having low-lite ambiance, and occasionally glancing out the window as the sun sets and weather becomes more nippy.  I feel like I haven't blogged in a while, and its totally true.  I've been "too busy", reasoned that a newsletter was a good enough update on my life, or determined I wasn't going to write simply because I felt guilty about not writing.  So why am I writing now?  As I see it, things change everyday, and so do I.  ...thus, I've decided to stop not writing... and write.


This time of season is romantic to me.  Its intimate.  Hugs are warmer.  Candles seem to shine brighter as do campfires.  Holidays like Halloween and Thanksgiving tend to bring people together for tighter community.  Colors change to become vibrant and senses appear to heighten.  Summer drifts away with the cool breeze that now whispers through.  There's no more needless vanity or comparison on the beaches.  Sweat is replaced by cozy scarves and hats.  Mela-drama and parties are superseded by festivals and s'mores.  Things slow down in our mind and become sharper, whether or not that's completely factual or just our imagination.

Fall reminds me of coming from Papua New Guinea into Australia (2008).  Over a brief amount of time, heat turns to a chill, and I found a spark of unforeseen joy light my heart.  Don't get me wrong.  I love to be warm.  Why else would I have gone to PNG.  However, I was going "home" and the feel of fall crispness touches so many meaningful memories within me.

I suppose the season of Autumn also reminds me of starting school.  Seeing old friends again, getting into a new routine, learning more, and smelling new school supplies and books overwhelms me with excitement!  (Although I've got tons of books to read for my current classes, I cherish the knowledge that lies within them.  I usually find peace just by being around many books.)

One can try to describe what they treasure about something like Fall, but in my experience, it all comes down to preference and experience.  I like the color green because I do.  Autumn may have deeper logic, but we enjoy it, because we do.  God knows what seasons we need and when.  What is your season?

Blood-Giving and Animal Threats

The week began normal enough.  I'd heard about a blood drive on Tuesday so I went.  I was actually able to give this time.  Even more than that, I watched as a 16 gage needle went into my arm.  I still have a bruise on my arm, but its almost like a prize (because of giving so others may live... and being able to get snacks afterwards).

As the week went on, my classes did too.  I prayed and thought through lots of issues and watched Stargate with the hope that Daniel Jackson (my favorite character) would return... which he did!  (Side note:  I'm in season 7 now.)

I finally made it to Friday!  Ever since last week, I'd been anticipating that my Dad would be having surgery to remove cancer (and his thyroid).  The procedure started before my one class for the day.  After class, I took Toby and went hiking with Megan.  It looked like it could potentially rain, but that was exciting to Megan and I was alright with it.  On the way, I got news that my Dad had made it out of the ordeal and was doing fine!  (Before, I could sense peace in my Dad's voice as he told me what was going on.  It gave me peace too, so I knew God was in control and I knew Dad was going to be alright.)

As we hiked, we went on different trails than we'd been on the previous time (last weekend if I remember correctly).  It was fun and much cooler than the last time.  Then it began to thunder, and then we saw some lightning, and then it began to rain.  If you've ever seen those generic horror movies, all three of these things usually begin almost as foreboding.  We'd kind of expected it, though, so it wasn't too big of a deal.  Along with the scary theme, we were two girls (and a dog) out hiking where not lots of people were (especially when rain starts).

All of a sudden, Toby started acting strange (almost scared and very cautious) like he knew something was in front of us in the brush.  I got his leash hooked back on him (since he'd been staying with us through the woods).  We kept walking over a bridge hoping nothing was in the trees.  That's when we heard it.  It almost sounded like a baby cry, but cat like... like a big cat.  At that moment, I began saying we needed to go the other way right then.  We crossed the little bridge we'd come across just seconds before and this time noticed red spatters on it (almost like blood).  I pointed it out to Megan and then we heard something coming closer through the trees and brush.  We headed out while trying to make sounds to hopefully keep it from getting any closer.  I kept an eye on our "six" as much as I could (along with our sides).  Megan got out her mace as I wished I had my machete with me again.  I called a friend to tell her where we were exactly (just in case we ran into some trouble).  She said she'd call is 20 minutes and if we didn't answer, she'd send in people after us.

As we stepped out onto the road, I knew we were in the clear.  I'd been freaked out a bit, but other than lots of prickly plant things all stuck to me (and being wet and sweaty), I was alright.

After all of that, Megan and I got cleaned up, dropped Toby off, and went to a game night.  Its been an interesting week!  ...and its not over yet!

Contra-Dancing

If you've ever seen the movie "Pride and Prejudice" with Keira Knightly, you can see (in the scene when Elizabeth first sees Mr. Darcy) a similar dancing style to contra-dancing.  Its really hard to explain, but its a dance that has a caller (that calls out the moves) along with a band.  We hash out the moves before dancing and then go for it.  I absolutely loved it!!!!!

Even though you have a partner, you end up dancing with almost everyone (even within one song).  Its a wonderful community with beautiful people.  ...and ladies, if you want to dance, you can't be shy.  There are often more girls than guys, so you make eye contact with someone and immediately ask for the next dance (or you might not get to dance).  Once I hit the dance floor, I never wanted to stop.  I haven't smiled that much (for hours at a time) in a very long while.  I thought my cheeks would be sore from smiling that much!

I hope to go back.  Until then, I'll keep spinning and twirling in my mind.

All You Need Is...

Sometimes I get crazy... or at least crazier than people seem around me.  There are limits that I don't cross, but sometimes I wonder if I'm annoying to those who I'm around.

It started with the bachelorette party.  We dressed like we were from the 80s and I really got into it.  I was the one in the car wanting everyone to sing along to our 80s mix cd as we went on a date with the bride and Justin Bieber.  Then, as we were getting our nails done the following day, I was the one that picked dark, bold colors.  Next, the night before the wedding, I'm the one who dyed my hair red (praying that it wouldn't turn out like a clown, which usually shouldn't be risked right before an event having tons of pictures included in it).

While dying my hair, I had Kasey and Dan help me out.  They pointed out places I needed more dye (that I couldn't see).  (At one point, I seriously looked like the devil because of red dye being all over me.)

I find myself asking this question when I'm around less "crazy-acting" people (which I proceeded to ask Kasey):  Am I completely annoying?  She replied, "no way!  You're show people how to enjoy life!  Everyone needs a Michelle in their life."

I began thinking about that.  It was really sweet and it helped me to be more at ease with my seemingly spontaneous actions.  Then I started talking to God about it and stopped in my tracks.  Though its sweet to say that everyone needs someone to help people to loosen up and enjoy the life God's given them, the fact is that everyone needs God--Period.  He's the beginning, middle, and into eternity of this crazy adventure that we're on.  We would be lost without Him and "fun" wouldn't exist.

So loosen up, enjoy life, and praise Him for it!  Hallelujah... AMEN!

The Battle is God's

I was reading in 2 Chronicles 20:1-30.  Lately, raising funds have been heavily on my mind.  God has spoken encouragement through His Word constantly through this time.  Therefore, this spoke encouragement to me also.  His time is perfect and His Word is living.

Jehoshaphat was a king who believed in God.  When he found out a huge army was coming at him, his first  response was to talk it over with God.  The people fasted, all got together, and cried out to God.  Their army wasn't any match to take on this huge one.  In response, God said He'd take care of it.

I really love the next part.  Jehoshaphat and the people have such confidence that God's going to take care of it, that they sing and praise Him before they even know what's happening to the enemy.  No one (of the enemy) was left alive.  It was God's battle.  He fought it because the people of Judah could not.  All they had to do was turn to Him and have the faith they knew to be true.

Raising support is hard and yet its not anything to worry about when compared to the account in Chronicles.  Lord, "I do believe; help my unbelief"!  (Mark 9:24)

Zombie Mode

I've never really been a morning person.  (My sister would disagree since I'm the one who woke up and wouldn't cease talking about dreams and anything else that might pop into my head while she proceeded to finally say, "Michelle... shut... up!")  See, I become most alert (thinking best and most balanced) in the afternoon to evening (and sometimes even into the night) times.  In the morning, I may seem happy and talkative, but that's usually me just trying to wake up and figure out why I'm even awake (since talking out loud usually helps me think things through:  more talking out loud = I'm not quite completely alert).

Most of the time, when I first wake up, I have time to cope with where I am, what I'm doing, and the reason I need to be awake.  For a few nights lately, this hasn't been so.  This is my "zombie mode" time.  When I get up, but am not really awake or alert.

I've been taking care of my dog as well as my cousins' dogs while the cousins were away.  One of the dogs (Briley) gets up around 5 or 6am every morning wanting to go out, be fed... the whole routine he's used to. I had been told he was an early riser, but I don't think I fully could comprehend all that was before me.

To begin, Briley would make a barking/whimpering sound and I'd fling the covers off me.  I would let all the dogs out first (as they stampeded around me to the back door), would let Toby and Brutus back in, feed Toby in his room, Brutus in the kitchen, and Briley and Boston outside.  I would grab a drink or even breakfast (at the first of the week), wait until all of them were completely done eating, and either let them all outside for a bit while I went to lay down again or would let them all in... and go back to lay down.  If I would let them outside, they'd usually start barking at something so I'd have to walk all the way back to the other side of the house in order to tell them to stop barking and would ultimately end up letting them all back inside (when they didn't get that concept).

My goal was ultimately to get Briley to wake up later and later each day.  It almost started happening... but it was only a week and with his internal clock, I would need more time.

As the week progressed, the fire alarms were beginning to need new batteries.  If you've ever been around them when their batteries are running out, they make a terrible beeping sound.  (In the bush, these annoying sounds are usually roosters that do NOT crow right as the sun comes up, but rather before it.  You can't just take their batteries out, but that's another story.)  Finding which alarms that are going off can be tricky.  Most of the time its simply infuriating.

Now we come to the part where I actually start telling you what happened.  (Thank you for your patience.)  One night, I awoke (around 4am) to a beeping sound.  I slung the covers off and started saying things like, "I'm going to find that thing and kill it!!! ...at least kill the battery since its almost dead anyway... and while I kill it, I'll try not to rip the thing out of the ceiling and end up paying lots to fix it along with crawling to the hospital because I'd have fallen off of this swaying, wooden ladder..."  Yep, I mutter and do lots of run-on sentences when I'm in my "zombie mode".  After getting the dogs outside, then inside to feed, and outside so I could figure out where the sound was actually coming from, I ended up disarming the alarm system (that beeps sometimes), taking three different fire alarm things down from three different rooms, and for a few times (to avoid having to use a ladder to reach the carbon monoxide beeper --just in case that's what was making the sound) found myself putting on super high heels and using another shoe to reach the button my cousins told me to push if it ended up being that beeper.  (Hint:  I'm not yet balanced in the morning... at all--especially while wearing high heels.)

On the night of July 4th, the dogs had barked and growled at something right before I was going to bed, so I put the alarm on.  I wrote a message on my arm/hand to turn it off before putting the dogs outside in the morning.  The morning of July 5th, Briley did his bark thing, I flung the covers off, went to the back door (accompanied once again by the mob of dogs around me), and opened the door.  Immediately, I remembered.  An alarm was sounding all throughout the house.  I know the neighbors could hear it (at 5:15 in the morning).  I, suddenly being more awake than in my zombie mode, ran to the box that turns off the alarm, punched in the numbers still on my hand, and still heard my heart beating outside my chest as the sirens stopped howling.  (The next night that I put the alarm on, I made sure to put high heels and other shoes in my way so I'd either trip and remember or would see them and remember=TURN OFF ALARM FIRST.)

Still on another night, I had a dream.  I was simply spitting (like in a sink or something).  I was confused a bit as I realized that it wasn't falling straight down into the sink, but sideways.  I became semi-aware that I was (in reality) spitting on my pillow!  I cleaned it off immediately, and realized it was about that time that Briley would be waking me up again.

After this, I kind of decided I had just about lost it ...or that there is a problem with me being made to get up at those hours of the morning.  You choose.

Outside Looking In

I'd only practiced doing IM and Sub Q injections on plastic arms.  This was real life though.  As I was ready to finally take my turn, the room fell silent.  "No pressure, Michelle", remarked Brittany trying to easy the silence.  I realized that this would be how I would do it in a village setting.  Eyes on me.  Watching to see what I was doing and if the person receiving the injection would cringe.  I calmed myself, told my patient "big stick in one, two...", and stuck it in.  (Side note:  Delaina stuck me too, so its not like I was being cruel or anything.)

We were just giving normal saline so it wasn't a big deal, but it was exhilarating!  It reminded me of doing IVs and I started checking out veins.  (Once you look for "good veins" and do an IV, its hard not to check out people's veins.)  We did different shots (IM, Sub Q, and ID) all on each other.

Later that night, after doing homework with Megan, we began to walk back to my car.  We were reminded that the gates locked at night and so we started to pray while walking.  "Please help the gate to be open or someone to come by that can help us get in."  As we walked up to the gate, everything looked pretty sealed.  I wanted to at least try, so I walked up, turned the knob, and it opened!  We got in my car, drove up to the gate, and it opened too!  God knew we were coming and opened a gate for us.

Sometimes it feels like we're on the outside looking in.  We don't know if everything will turn out alright.  We can't see past skin sometimes.  We could give us and just never try from the fear of hurting someone or doing something wrong.  We could just walk away and believe that the way is closed or that we're locked out.  Eyes are on us.  Who will you be looking to?

Shocking? Sow What?

What a day!  As I drove back from class, my head was spinning.  I had begun my Bush Mechanics and Electronics class and it is an all-day thing.  We learned about ventilating a house in a hot climate (like PNG), talked about batteries/solar panels/inverters, did calculations about watts/volts/amps, and made a working circuit.  From so much to soak into my head, I was a bit fried.  The entire day, we'd also been sticking energy readers (little metal things) into outlets--one thing Mom always said never to do.  I wasn't the only one on alert for getting shocked.

Throughout the day, I hadn't had much to eat (and had had coffee and cookies for the snack times to keep me alert), so when I got to the house, I was shaking.  I ate peanut butter crackers to hold me until dinner (which I made it to).  After eating, I walked Toby and he got dirty; so I gave him a bath.  Right after it was done, he sniffed the electric wire and got shocked.  I calmed him down (poor baby).  ...and then (when I had brushed him) he did it again!  You'd think he'd learn!!!!

I got cleaned up and got ready for bed as he dried the rest of the way outside.  Toby was dried off after a while and came in.  I kept him in my room as I watched part of "Swords" (swordfish fishing) with Josh.  When I walked back into my room, I found he'd ripped one of the legs off of one of my little cousin's toys!!!!  Thankfully, I knew where a sowing kit was!  I was soooo mad at Toby (and he knew it too).  After sowing it back up, it didn't look too bad so my anger subsided.  I don't think anyone will really notice that the leg had been off.

At the end of the day, I'm super tired, but all that needs to be fixed is fixed and I've learned quite a bit too!

Walking Four Dogs

Almost every night, I try to find time to go on a walk with Toby.  Its kinda "alone" time for me to think things through, get back with people (by phone), pray, enjoy the sunset (which is a love of mine), wind down from the day, and train my dog at the same time!

Well, tonight, after walking my one dog, I decided to walk all three of my cousin's dogs (at the same time). There's Brutus (Rottweiler), Briley (somewhat of a Retriever/Lab), and Boston (type of Cocker Spaniel).  I've watched some of those dog training shows like "Dog Whisperer" along with training videos.  I haven't (however) seen one person taking a group of dogs without help.  For the most part it went really well!

A few problems were when we passed by the "yappy dogs" (four little toy poodle things that have to continually bark until you're past their gate) and when the dogs saw a bunny.  For the first problem, they got more tangled and Briley wanted to eat the little yappy dogs because of all the noise they were making.  I would've let them, but they're not my dogs (and are behind that gate).  For the second problem, the first bunny was fine.  The second bunny only caught Brutus' eye while a bird caught Briley and Boston's attentions.

By the time I got them back home, they were working together (much better) and way tired out!  I guess its kind of like how God has to teach us, correct us, untangle us, keep us focused, and help us to work together.  We're the ones who make things more difficult with distractions we choose to focus on, pulling too hard forward (without waiting on Him), stopping or turning back, and things of the sort.  The only thing is that God doesn't have us on a leash.  We choose.  ...but He feeds, prepares, and cares for us.  Why not have a relationship with Him?

Can't Breathe

Have you ever tried to go without air?  When I swim and have to hold my breath, I can do alright (as long as I'm not freaking out).  Since I now live with my cousin's two little girls (4 and 5 years old), I've seen how they're learning to swim.  One plunk under the water and they start squirming (even if I've already pulled them up).  Its our nature to strive for air and a thing we don't think about too much unless its suddenly taken from us.

Right now, I'm finding it hard to breathe.  Before, I've had stress that led to hyperventilation.  I've also had sickness where I found it more difficult to fill my lungs and had to use an inhaler for a brief time.  At this moment, it feels more like the sickness, but brought on my allergies.  It started a few days ago (Monday?), but it didn't happen yesterday.  Its happening again tonight.  This time, I'm coughing more.  There's almost a weight in my chest and I've got wheezing.  It could be that a little bit of fluid got into my lungs.  When I cough up anything, its clear so no infection.  I just wish it would stop.

I'm so tired... like exhausted.  It helps if I'm standing or at least sitting up.  One thing with having this and not living alone is that I keep others up.  I'm not for that, but really want to breathe and want sleep.  Too bad my inhaler is nowhere to be found.  I'm thinking drug stores are closed and EMT calls are a bit expensive (just for a nebulizer... though I don't know if its that severe).

There are two reasons I'm writing this.  One:  simply for the fact that I'm having to stay up until this passes and needed an outlet as well as something to do.  Two:  there are so many things we don't even think of and therefore take for granted.  One thing is the Word of God.  I got to see a video today where people finally got the Word in their language delivered to them.  They were celebrating, singing, dancing, crying, praying, and praising God for how He can speak to them in their language now.

Lets not forget how precious every breath of life, smile, color, word, (fill in the blank), etc. is.  When we do and its taken away, we'll be gasping for it and wonder why we didn't notice we were breathing.

Sell Your Own Stuff

I've started selling a few things over ebay.  I'm not that great at it.  One reason may be that I'm actually selling stuff for my brother.  He's trying to save up enough to get a car.  I know that the younger children in my family have gotten more leniency and such that I never got, but I got the car.  My first car wasn't fast or "hot", but it was cute and got me from place to place.  A White '89 Buick Century.  When my little car got crashed into on December 18th of 2004, I was sad.  From the wreckage of my totaled car, I got money enough to buy another one.  A Maroon '99 Chevy Lumina.  Since then, I've had to pay to get him taken care of (now and then), but he's stuck by me.  My sister and brother haven't had that luxury.

I thought I'd be nice (since it was his idea to put them on ebay).  See, if you've never sold anything online, I would like to be the first to say that its not all its cracked up to be.  The first time I submitted these eight items, it charged me little costs at a time so that it totaled around $7.  They only last for a week and then you can relist them if they don't sell.  I've relisted mine three times (which equals me paying them $21 --for nothing).  I actually sold one item.  I had guessed about costs for shipping and paid around $10 (when I had asked for $7 for shipping).  When something sells, ebay also takes a couple of dollars because they "helped you sell it".  So with something that had costed the buyer $42, I got $40... and when taking into consideration the other costs, end up giving my brother $11.  He told me that he'd paid $50 for that item (even though he told me to sell it for $35).

On top of everything, the buyer received it and said it wasn't like I had described.  I didn't know much about it (since its my brother's and his descriptions of each item weren't very descriptive), so I used this thing on ebay where you can look items up.  It showed a picture that looked just like it, so I thought that description had to be like this one.  Nope.  The buyer was very nice about it and wanted $15 refunded to him.  I told them what had happened and that my brother had paid $50 for it and that I could refund him the total he paid if he'd just send it back.  He said he'd just keep it and not worry about the $15.  I think he felt sorry for me.

After the time runs out (tomorrow) for bidding, I'm taking the items off and giving them back to my brother.  He can sell them for more with his friends.  Actually, I might go ahead and cancel my stuff to ebay now.  Its just best to sell your own stuff.

Clean Out

I've been going through everything.  Each time, I end up getting rid of about half or more of whatever I look through.  See, I'm getting excited about the next adventure in my life where I move out of this job and area all the way to Dallas.  Its a wonderful feeling to get rid of things that I don't need!  There are things that are sentimental, but only the super important things get to stay this time.

I have realized that I'm very much at home here.  I love having my own place and having places for my things.  This upcoming opportunity, though, is giving me another chance to not be complacent and also letting me organize (which I'm finding is a huge passion of mine).

In 2 Samuel, I've been reading about David.  I'm almost to the place where it talks about him and Bathsheba, but up until that, I can't help finding how much David strived to please God.  He had a pretty hard life while running from Saul.  Still, God took care of him and he gave God the honor and glory and praise.  From a shepherd boy to a soldier to a king.  David, though stressed at times and seemingly always on the move, took time to praise God and clean out what he didn't need (like Saul's armor when God was already fighting Goliath for David).

I doubt that God wants us to hang on to things we don't need.  There is the physical "stuff" that we need to take the time and go through it in order to feel accomplished and cleaner.  In the same respect, there's the spiritual "stuff".  My life gets pretty busy and, therefore, its easy for me to put off what I really need to deal with (whether spiritual, relational, etc.).  After starting, I feel freer and am able to take on a new adventure for my life that God will help me to grow through.

Unplugged and Cleaned Out

On Thursday, I had hoped to do many things with different people.  None of those plans came through so I found myself (most of that day) in front of the television watching things like "Say Yes to the Dress", "Finding Nemo", "The Life of Christina Aguilera", and the end of "Titanic" (among a few other shows).  That night, while getting ready for bed, I felt terrible!  A day of doing nothing much except watching tv!  Day waisted.  I felt like I was inside for far too long.  It had been a dreary day also, therefore I was a bit down from that.  In the end, it all brought determination.

Friday, I didn't turn on the tv, I didn't get on the internet (except for 10 minutes to do something for my job), and I began cleaning.  I went through my big cabinet and all of my six smaller containers.  I got rid of lots of things and transferred all of my cds to my computer.  Once I start, its hard to stop.  I went over to Mom and Dad's to see if they wanted any of the books I'm giving away.  When we went through them, we went to eat.  My brothers, sister, and mom were there (since dad was working).  I love spending time with my family!

Later, we dropped the boys at home and we ladies went to WalMart.  I got a strawberry limeade at Sonic on the way back home.  It was late when I headed home.  After a day of organizing, being unplugged, and hanging with family, I was satisfied!

Cyrano de Bergerac

I never would've thought that tonight I would be captured by a movie that was in French and had English subtitles.  But it happened.  I had gone over to eat dinner with my mom and brother.  I watched the end of "Eragon" with her (which the book is way better) and then we began browsing.  She stopped on one entitled "Cyrano de Bergerac" since this was a story she knew.  She reminded me of the basic plot as we wondered if we would really sit and watch the whole movie in French.

The story begins with Cyrano (who has a really big nose) that falls for this drop dead gorgeous girl (Roxane).  He's very shy so he writes poetry to her.  He even goes as far as to get this really handsome guy to deliver the letters and so she thinks they're from Christian (the handsome dude).   You can immediately see where the trouble will start.

My mom went on to lie down and my brother went to play video games.  I looked around for other possible shows to watch, but my mind kept wondering what would happen in the movie.  I became enraptured by it:  the beautiful language, the poetry, the devotion, the symbolism, and found tears in my eyes as it drew to a close.  It touched my heart!

I'm glad they didn't do voice-overs.  You may understand what they're saying with your ears, but then the French would be lost and (being more of a visual learner) it was even more powerful for me to see the words.

So what was the big deal?  Cyrano gave himself to everyone and was extremely unselfish.  He was shy and thought he was ugly, but his heart and soul overcame his appearance and, thus, made me fall in love with who he was.  Roxane was drawn to the real Cyrano though she didn't know it was him.  She was very blind throughout the movie, but she still saw what was most important.  Christian even developed a bit and began to have a problem with himself (for pretending to be someone he wasn't).

There are many stories like "Beauty and the Beast" that have one person seeing the worth and beauty within someone else who might not be that attractive.  I know that those people are rare and few.  Still, people are drawn to these stories simply for the fact that people want to be known for who they are and not simply by what they look like.

Drama, Drama, Drama

It never fails.  I got a fortune cookie saying I'll have an exciting surprise.  I got this cookie after much of the following happened... so I think I've had plenty of surprises to last me for a while.

After already kicking a guest out for drinking alcohol in the room, smoking in the room, and not paying for two nights, I had to kick the same guest out again.  At first, I thought he had forgotten to pay me (as some guests do) and so I left him a reminder with a time to pay by (or he was not going to be able to stay here anymore).  I didn't get the payment so I went up to his room.  He was at an appointment and thus wasn't there.  I went in and saw (and smelled) the effects of smoking in a room.  I began cleaning and airing out the room.  While cleaning, I found the alcohol (along with food that should be kept in a refrigerator instead of at room temperature... yuck).

I got a call from someone over at the hospital who told me that the guest was worried about the deadline of the payment and that he was admitted for medical reasons (meaning he wouldn't be able to get here in at least 24 hours).  I told them that he could come to collect his belongings and leave his key, but he could not stay here anymore because of breaking the conditions.

About a week later, the rooms aren't going to be needed (on one of the nights).  On nights like this, I try to be as loud as possible whether having a dance party by my self, turning up the tv, or even talking out loud in a higher volume.  I lock the front door and turn out the main lights (since no one will be using them).  I had gotten ready for bed after doing the above, but had smelled this smoke smell all day.  As I got into bed and was reading, I heard a few light thumps from above my room.  This was the room the guy had stayed in before and had not brought back the key.  (*Praise the Lord that I didn't have anyone else staying in that room!!)

I called the police/security in order to have someone go check with me... since I'm a girl and am not going to try to take on another guy by myself if there's backup that I can call.  He came over and I told the cop the situation.  I gave him the key so he could open the door before me.  We found the same guy that had been there a week ago... smoking, drinking, and with an altered mental status.  The police guy made him get his things and leave.  I went to get his other things that he had left last time.  He "couldn't take them right then" and would be coming back to get them later.  ...so I took his key and started cleaning... again.

He finally picked up the rest of his things today.  He's a nice guy, but needs to get his mind straightened out a bit so he can make better decisions than that.

On top of this, I've had recent guy drama and constant sister drama.  The fortune cookie now says that there will be a secret romance in my future.  Maybe I should stop reading fortune cookies...

My grandfather (on my mom's side) was anything but boring.  He was a pilot, missionary, preacher, was stubborn, and had a zeal that drew people to see how to really enjoy life.  I just wish I could've known him more personally.  Maybe in Heaven I'll get a nice, long talk with him.  Surely I have some of him in my blood.  I want to be like him and live everyday like its never gonna be here again.

Who is someone you know that lives life to the fullest?  ...who inspires you to be a better person?  ...who you want to hear their adventures and learn from their experience?

The Experienced and the Naive

I found myself having lunch with a friend and (though many people were around) the conversation went towards a touchy subject for some:  Virginity or lack there of.  We talked about the amazing fact that someone of my age can still be a virgin and I wondered why it is that way.  Why are we so willing to give ourselves away?  Emotions?  Acceptance?  Experience?  What?

Many aren't afraid to tell of their "experiences" and from their words, there is no shame in being had by someone who's not going to stick it out through life with you.  I know people don't want to make waves, and personally, I don't want my friends that have had these experiences to think I believe myself to be better than them.  I'm not.  God has met me where I've fallen and helped me back up.  He's good like that.  I just want to know how we (as a culture) could do things differently; to make things less tempting or more serious.  Ideas?

Kung Fu

I believe I started going to Kung Fu on November 19th of 2010 and I'm super thankful that it was revealed to me!  Yes, I've gotten plenty of bruises and came away from it sweaty and sore.  Still, I realize that I feel more confident, fit, and have a bigger smile because of it.  I've been swapping back and forth between Aikido and Kung Fu.  Aikido means "harmony" and uses the other person's aggression against them.  In Kung Fu, I am a crane and have worked on punching, kicking, body position, and other such things.

I'm not really working for belts, but rather the knowledge that comes with them.  I want to be able to know a bit more of what to do if I fall into a compromising position that I have to fight my way out of.  I am not one who wants (or goes looking) to fight or hurt anyone.  Tonight, though, I found that I am able to bite back if I'm hurt.

One of the guys I was learning from started showing me some moves.  He said that "if they're not hurting, you're not doing it right".  I was hurting when I was learning these moves, but it also helped me to be a bit more aggressive with him.  When I am out on a street and some guy comes looking to hurt me, do you really think he'll hold back?  If he doesn't, I don't need to either.  I'm not talking about killing or anything.  I would NEVER.  I just need that chance to hurt him enough that he doesn't want to try it again... or at least that chance for me to get away.

I love learning these things (even though I'm one of the only girls there who really participates).  More girls need to get involved in this kind of self defense... just in case.  If nothing, its been a good opportunity to bond a bit with my brothers!

Side note:  I got one of my EMT buddies to come with me Monday.  It was good to have her there and I think she liked it too!  Yay!

All At Once

For this title, I think of Jack Johnson.  If only this instance was more soothing like that song.  My mind has made rules.  They might seem to be stupid rules, but they're still rules in the end.  I feel empty.

Right now (because of stupid bills, payment on EMT class, and such), I have no money.  None to buy food or gas, which complicates things.  Please know this:  I don't want help if you read this.  Its kinda one of my rules in my head.  Since I'm raising money in order to go train in Dallas and then go to PNG, I don't want to ask for help right now (since I'd rather have help for raising money for the previous).  Weird, I know, but it happens.  I'll survived.  I've done it for about two and a half weeks so I can do it again until payday in the middle of this month.  Let me revise that a bit:  God is helping me do this.  He knows what I need... and apparently, my pride needs to be broken a bit in the process (is what I'm guessing).

Still, another issue is that I'm dizzy.  It started a bit on Tuesday morning, slacked off, and continued back strongly this morning (and still now).  This morning, the dizziness was accompanied with a bit of nausea.  I didn't really get sick (praise God), but it was there.  It took a bit off of my focus to checkoff on my IV and meds push for EMT class... but I passed (another praise God).  Mom and my brother Casey said they weren't feeling well today either, and someone stole the money out of my mom's bank account.  Dude!!!!  What?!

To top everything off, my sister and I are having issues still.  They seem to continue to escalate the longer we set "problem-solving" on the back burner.  Ever since I came back from college, we've both changed and haven't really had the time to get to know each other again.  There's also the boyfriend of hers that I don't quite get along with and it seems she's always picking him over me any day.  We're trying to work things out, but I'm so tired of fussing that I'm about to just give up completely.

I know that God only gives you what you can handle... or there's something He's set up for someone else to help out with too.  It just reminds me of Job and his trials (though this is nothing remotely close to the harshness of them).  It'll work out, but encouragement and advice are always welcome!

Make Up Your Mind!

Wednesday threw me for a loop.  "Hey, instead of taking classes for a year and then going to PNG, you can head out by August."  So I pray and confirm that this is God's leading.  I mentally begin to prepare for such a change in the plan.

Friday just made me dizzy.  "I know you thought you were leaving in August, but now, it might be January (of next year)."  WHAT?!?!  I was getting really excited about shipping out by August and then I find out that there's more training I need before getting there.

If God knows what's going on and wants me over there, then why are things changing so much?  Why can't things be in a straight line (so I can follow sequentially) rather than be in loops (like a cat trying to catch a moving light on the floor--which will never happen)?

Shaking from Butterflies

I've always wondered at butterflies.  Such a beautiful creation!  So gentle and yet, they have survived in a world that is fierce and harsh.

Yesterday, I was getting ready to go to church when the butterflies came.  Out of nowhere!  Actually, the source was in an email.  I have the option of going to PNG much sooner than I'd thought was possible.  Its true that the option was there the entire time, but I thought I didn't want it.  The plan was to do literacy work training here in the states and then head over to specifically do that.  I come to believe that God has a slightly different plan.  I will train while working there.  I'll still be doing literacy work in order to help the people of PNG to learn to read God's Word.

At the suggestion of change and the possibility of moving things sooner, I started to shake.  It was like the butterflies one gets before getting up to sing in front of people, going down the first drop on a roller coaster, or the decision to jump of a ledge with a rope tied to your feet.  My heart began racing and I wanted to cry just to release tension.  I prayed to God.  "What exactly do you want me to do?"  And He began answering me; not in a big, booming voice that I could hear, but He spoke to my heart through His spirit that lives in me.

When I got to church, I was a few minutes late.  We had been going through Romans and found ourselves in chapter 5.  We talked about how God's spirit lives within us, how Jesus came just at the right time, and how we became justified and reconciled.  As a relating reference, Philip (the evangelist--from Acts 8) came up.  The Spirit lead him (bit by bit) and then told him to talk to the Ethiopian.  Because of this, the Ethiopian was saved and praised God.  The Spirit told him, "go this way", so Philip did.  I want that leading to happen in my life.

On the way home, I told God that if my Mom was okay with it and was at peace with it, then He was telling me to go on to PNG as a Short Term Assistant (for two years).  I never really know what Mom's going to think so I figured anything could happen.  When I talked to her about it, she was good with it!  I'm still praying over it before publicly making the decision (though the internet is more public, but whatever).  I do believe that this is what I need to do.

Still, as I think about it and talk it over, I begin to shake (both out of nervousness and excitement).  I've got a good job with all my things around me, and I'm settled in where I am.  I'm comfortable, so part of me says "why should I go?... why should I exchange all of this to have my face, eyes, lips dried out by an airplane ride, go through intense language training, hike and get my feet stuck in the mud, along with possibility having to eat strange dishes and miss my friends and family?... I'm fine where I am!"

Its this thought that is even scarier than facing the unknown and having no plan.  I don't want my life to be simply "normal" and "routine".  God meant for our lives to be adventures and for us to risk everything; He did everything for us.  So then... I'll Prepare.  Pray.  Have faith that God will provide what I need.  Get on a plane (or two... or three...) and follow -- step by step -- what His spirit tells me (always looking for opportunities).  With or without butterflies.

Now, to get to work...

Something Known, Realized

Have you ever known something was true, but didn't quite believe or understand it completely?

This last weekend, I got to go with my church to TCTC (Tennessee Christian Teen Convention).  I went as a sponsor this time and found it (at first) a bit strange.  Alright, I'm 23 and the youngest of the sponsors.  Many of the "youth" are good friends and we hang out.  I only hang out with the other "sponsors" at church and other "youth events".  I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I fit in more with the youth than the sponsors, though I am more mature in my faith and such than the youth.  (The sponsors are wonderful people too by the way).

See, ever since I came home from college (back to my church), I've felt it.  I don't have a niche, a group, a place I belong.  Those that are my age either don't come or are married.  The one guy that isn't married is years older than I and has always hung out with a certain group of his age.  The youth are in college or high school ...or, yes, middle school... and don't quite understand me and where I'm coming from.  I end up going to my parents' class because I need more "meat" than the younger classes.  (Not just milk or apple sauce for nutrition---in spiritual growth.)

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not knocking my church.  Its wonderful and I love going there!  Wouldn't I have stopped going if it wasn't worth it?  The drawback is that there really aren't singles my age.  For almost two years, I've had this struggle.  There is a loneliness that wants to consume me, yet I refuse to give in.  I've kept going to church and (though I know--in my head-- that everyone sees me as included in the whole group of the church), there's not a slot I fit into nicely.  I do lots of different things and know I am blessed by God.  People encourage me there and I'm still growing.  I tell you this so you know where I have been for the past year and three quarters; and so you'll understand the significance to the following.

As I was participating in TCTC (in the music, the lessons, the fun, the responsibilities, the people), I was reminded of how I had seen the same experiences when I was in high school as compared to now.  I was always thinking of what others would think.  There were some times I would jump out on my own and do what my heart was urging me to do; and others when I would hold back because those around me might see me as way too odd.  This time, I held my hands up and danced when I wanted to; I played fun games while still watching out for people; I soaked in all the knowledge I could, only this time it was not for the emotional high (like when I was in Sr High).  I wanted to grasp what I learned so to build on what I knew; to feel nourished and strengthened as well as to do the same for others.

When I reflected on that, I got it!  I do fit in!  I make my own slot to fit in and if others want to join where I am, cool.  If not, whatever.  It was like a heavy pack lifted off of my back from a too-long, very drawn-out journey.  I can be me: who God is making me into and not have to worry about expectations that others may try to restrain me with.

I can be free in my singleness, free in my independence from the world and dependence on God, free from wondering if I may be scoffed at by what I may do or say.  We are all odd in one way or another.  Its just odd that we try to hide it and, therefore, become chained from hiding what we truly are.

Hot and Cold

I usually tend to wish winter away.  After a while of so much cold, I begin to want the warmth back.  Cold just gets to me.  I don't like having a runny nose, dry skin, and having to wear a big, poofy coat.  Snow is good, but after a while, I really start missing the green grass and ability to keep my shoes dry.  Most of the time, I find myself cold (even in seasons that aren't winter) and that feeling makes me sleepy and drowsy. (...and who likes to go through a day like that?)  Today, though, was a bit different.

I had a few errands to run and had to drive much slower than usual since there was snow and ice everywhere.  I got most everything done and went to my parents' house.  I got to see my dog and my family's other two dogs.  I let them out and tried to chisel the ice out of their water and food bowls.  I (with help from my brother) got hay into their dog house, filled their water, and gave them food.  At one point, I slipped in the snow and fell on some wood pieces.  My first thought was "oh great, now I'll be totally wet as I drive home"... but it didn't turn out that way.  Since I thought I was destined to get cold and wet, I thought I might as well do it right; so I played with my dogs in the snow, pushed snow off of the dog house, and so on.  The interesting thing is that (as I came inside), the only things wet were my shoes and gloves.

Once my reservations about getting cold and wet were gone (or rather, when I thought it had already happened), I had more fun with the snow.  I didn't even feel cold!  I somewhat smell like a dog, so I should probably go take a shower soon.  But still... Why is it so hard for some to just stop worrying and have fun?  ...even in the dark, cold winter things can have beauty and excitement!

Visits

*Hope:

So it starts.  Friends are going to be in the area and they might even come visit you!  Texting happens, calls occur, and either you find out that they are not going to get to see you or you move to the next level.

**Anticipation:

You start planning what you might do when they come.  You look around and decide that you want/need to clean or at least tidy up.  You think about food options (where to go eat or what to eat "in").  You get together things that you meant to give them a week or a year ago and say to yourself "don't forget to actually give this to them!"  You give them directions a few times and constantly find yourself looking out the window to see if they're here yet!

***The Visit:

You greet your friends and maybe meet new ones.  You catch up on things that've happened since you've seen each other and learn what's new.  You give them a grand tour of where you live (whether its practically a closet or a mansion).  You share inside jokes or fond memories and realize that you're super hungry!  You talk about what's good around and (after much debate) the decision is made to go somewhere that serves food.  You eat but with much socialization.  After you're done, you realize that you still need a little more time together, so you go to a hang out spot and play a game.  Once someone triumphs, you show them around to a site or two in your city and then head home.  More talking, chilling, and possible picture showing happens and by that time, its almost time for dinner.  They've got plans to go somewhere so you get goodbye hugs and see them out.

****Withdrawal:

Its empty in the house now so you have to take your mind off of it.  You feel hungry so you start dinner and pick out a movie to see.  When you so to choose a film worthy of taking up an hour or two, you find that your friends left something behind.  You give them a call and they say they'll come get it after dinner.  You eat dinner, watch your movie, and start working out.  

*****Second Hope, Anticipation, and Visit:

You get a call that they're on their way and so repeat some of the "anticipation" and "visit" stages  (since they have brought another person that can take the tour!)  These stages go faster since its later at night and they're a little tired.

******Second Withdrawal:

You resume your workout until you feel you might pass out.  You're so tired now that the withdrawal isn't as bad as before.  You take a shower and do your routine before bed.

This was most of my day today!  Eric and Caitlin came and visited... and later Paul did too!  Its been a great day!  ...and I've learned that I put lots and lots of exclamation points all the time when I write.  Hmm.  And so I will always look forwards to more visits and more friends.