Two Years Forward

This is crazy! After two years, I'm remembering this blog. Obviously I got caught up in life. Much has happened since then.

Short story? I got a Master's degree and a teaching job. Of course, there are always stories along the way. Perhaps I'll start telling them again here.

I suppose I was a different person then...

Saying Goodbye

June 8th, 2017

Many people may say that the loss of a pet isn't a big deal. I wonder if those people have gotten close to a pet before or if they're simply trying to blow such an experience off. We had to put our dog, Tipper, down today. Now, first off, I've been the one to find most of our pets dead from natural causes. I was sad and we had a small funeral of sorts to commemorate their passing. While in PNG, I watched a pig die (after being stabbed... they had tried for the heart, but I guess it wasn't a direct hit?) It seemed to take forever for it to die. It was a rough experience, but I wanted to know how long death took. Sometimes, it seems like the guy in Chaucer's Pardoner's Tale when the super old guy says that life clings to him like a disease. Who would want everlasting life in a body that grows old and decays?

In "A Street Car Named Desire," Blanche says that funerals are easy, but deaths are hard. I would agree. I had dealt with animals that had died, even people that had passed... things weren't laughs and giggles, but time and life moved on. I suppose I haven't really lost someone who was extremely close to me yet. When that experience comes, I know it will be hard, but being with a soul when it leaves or hearing breaths of a living thing and then knowing the breathing stopped... and their heart stopped... it seems different... harder.

Peter Pan said, "Death would be an awfully big adventure." I'm sure it is, but when I reach the bridge of it, I hope I can gaze at who is on the other side waiting for me and sprint across it with glee. I don't know if dogs go to Heaven, but I believe God blesses prayers of His children... a child's prayer. That's what I prayed. When I was waiting for my sister and told God that's what I wanted... and then a brother... and then another brother... and He listened each time. Yep, I have a sister and two brothers. I didn't have to wonder. I knew... I hoped and had unyielding faith that it would happen. I prayed a prayer that felt like those today. As I felt Tipper was crossing that bridge, I prayed that God would take her to Heaven. That I would see her there. I know He heard me.

After it happened and we were driving back home, it hit me: I have to tell her son. Toby. He's officially mine, but I cried some more. Dumbledore once said, "Don't pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living." He's got a point. The dead have a better perspective. It's like wondering how your next year of life will be and then reaching the end of that year, looking back, and wondering what all the worry was about. We miss those who have gone on. We grieve and wonder what crossing that bridge will be like. But Peter Pan also says, "To live would be an awfully big adventure." With the hope we have, we don't have to worry. We just need to have a little faith, trust, and (if I can change the quote a bit) ...courage to truly live.

Why Tattoos

My Dad still connects tattoos with prison. I'm sure there are others that might do the same or, at the very least, think that a tattoo is wasteful, distasteful, or unprofessional. I admit that there are always stupid reasons for doing things. Anything really. A guy helps the homeless people in his area... because he had to have community service hours. A girl adopts a baby... because she's lonely. Someone gets a tattoo... because they were drunk one night. There are many possible things that bad reasons can lead to. For those of you who wonder about my motives, you can find them here. I try not to make decisions lightly, so if you think I'm just another person going along with a fad, then you haven't taken the time to know who I am.

It started a few years ago. My sister had mentioned that we should get a tattoo together right before I went off to Papua New Guinea. I'd thought of possibly getting a tattoo a few times before, but couldn't come to something I'd like on me forever. When she offered, we were kinda on the way to the airport and thus, no time (along with me not knowing what I would get anyway). While over in PNG, I thought through what might be cool to have and what means something to me. One thing to me can either mean endless possibilities or possibly just mean the one thing. If I'm going to put ink into my skin, its going to mean quite a bit. So I browsed and thought I came up with a few things. A verse or a compass, or perhaps a cross.

 I wasn't set on one thing for sure until August 29th (2014). I'd been frustrated with not knowing what's next, had been having a few family issues, and would get very down (I'm talking "sad", not "dancing"). After everything seemed hopeless, one thing still shined through. It wasn't my self-esteem or my friends and family. It wasn't music or my mountains or my dog or a possible adventure. Nothing but my God would do. Even with God, I had frustrations. Questions not yet answered as to why I still didn't have a direction. Through even these annoyances, I knew that He knew better. I'd had previous experiences that proved (in my mind, heart, and soul) that He was there and was more consistent than anything else I'd encountered (and anything I would come across in this life). If He wanted life to continue, there must be a reason and I would find out why.

I drew a cross on my arm at that instant. For all the weight that this symbol represents for my life, the main reason I drew it in those moments was so I could see it and remember. It was there because the only One I know who can truly push the darkness away is the One who conquered the cross, death, and sin. I'd felt that there was a darkness that threatened to consume my being and who I am. And should I be consumed by it, I would surely be lost in this life. I found the core of who I am: a child of God. Everything else that defines me is either a perk or a flaw. The perks are fun and can stay, while the flaws will be dealt with asap. In those moments, all was striped away except the one thing that can keep me steady: my God.

Thus, I am one that needs a reminder. In seeing this symbol, I remember who I live for and so my reactions to situations change from the self-centered view of Michelle to the bigger picture of what is not seen and eternal. I have the option of drawing it on me each day, but should I ever get to a point where I falter in my faith, I want to be ever aware of my betrayal and thus turn back around. I also realize that this symbol will be visible to others. Free accountability and possible evangelism. However, I'm doing this not because of others.

I have nothing to hide. So why hide Who I belong to? No longer will I have the option of silently drifting into the shadows. No wasting life or hiding. Let me live out loud in love and truth.

"The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not mastered it." (John 1:5) I am His and will glorify His name, because He is constantly saving my life. May I be love and truth to others, and may I never be ashamed, but be bold in shining His light.

It was May 7th that my sister and I went to get our tattoos. I got my simple cross and my compass. The cross for what has already been explained. The compass (with a fleur de-lis and two stars to the north east) refers to many things, but has a verse attached to it. Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" I do like pirates' freedom and Peter Pan's adventures (the two stars and compass). I love where I grew up and enjoy gazing into the heavens (north east and stars). I like Uncle Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender and how he is a part of the White Lotus (fleur de-lis which also represents perfection, light, and life). But ultimately, I know that I crave God's guidance. His love is wider than the East is from the West (which never ends). He wants me to listen to His whispers and know He's always with me.  I so quickly forget, but He is there to remind me.

I wrote most of this blog post quite a while ago. Perhaps even a year or two ago. I've been having a hard time lately. I'd been getting frustrated and began to despair. God led me to this again, and as I read, I remembered why I have hope. I remembered that God has not left me, but is always here. My heart has been revived and lifted. Praise God! He knows what I need. All of this, from tattoos... or rather, from God.

Under the Radar

I've commented here and there. Some people know, and for many others, it hasn't come up in conversation. I won't just start talking about everything with me when someone doesn't ask. But I suppose I should at least write a bit about my "now."

I'm in Grad school in Milligan. I'm going to be licensed in Secondary Education to teach things like English, Theatre, and Music. Well, those are my goals at least. I started in January and should finish in June or July.

I've learned so much already. I feel like I've improved significantly in my teaching skills, even though I've still got a way to go. There are some classes that I love and some that I loathe. Well, a very few that I loathe. I've liked most.

So there's a short update. Its not much, but I haven't written in so long that this will do for now.

Hungry Hearers

One of the things we got to be involved in (up at Igoi) was sharing a kind of podcast thing that one of our missionaries had put together. The topic of the podcast was on prayer. It was in both Pidgin (the main trade language) and Sob (their vernacular or "heart" language). Usually, if we had something like this in the USA, we might listen to it once and move on. That's kind of what I expected when we told the people about it.

We had set a time for whoever wanted to come and listen. The thing was that it wasn't soon enough. It ended up that a group wanted to hear it sooner than I'd thought, so the missionary that put it together went and set it up. He gave out laminated papers with the Lord's Prayer in the language of Sob on it and encouraged people to hang it up in their house as a reminder to pray and also a reminder of how powerful prayer can be.

 Later, more people (and some of the original people who were there at the first hearing) came in want of hearing the podcast. Some from the first time asked if we could make the program longer (or add other things outside of the podcast) because about 15 to 30 minutes wasn't enough. Thus, we did. This second hearing was right around sun down. We got out lights and held them up so everyone could practice reading, reciting, and remembering the Lord's Prayer from the laminated paper. (Naturally, bugs came toward the lights and would cling to our clothes or get in our faces. Still, the lights shown so people could see.) This had elongated the program a bit, but still, they asked if we could present it on Sunday and if it could be even longer.

At each opportunity to hear this program, more and more people came. On Sunday, I'm not sure how many showed up, but it seemed like just about everyone was there. We would play the podcast for a while and then each one of us would stand up to give our testimony of our faith. To close up the program, the missionary stood up and talked about how important prayer is and how it connects us to God. For anyone that lived in fear from spirits (and many of them have), the comfort of knowing that God is stronger than all of them and that a relationship with Him (through Jesus) lets them not live in fear, but peace... that comfort speaks into their lives.

There are people that are hungry for the word of God. Scripture in their heart language is powerful, and the peace that God speaks into the lives of those living in fear can give them hope and joy. They heard and wanted more. Who will give out the food God has prepared?

Work, Work, Work

While we were in the village of Igoi, we met a lady who suggested that we should go to her house and take a picture of her with her house... so we did. When we got to her house, it had the most beautiful view!

 We sat down and storied a little (as the interns worked more on their language skills). At one point, we discussed different housing in the USA, floods, and homelessness. Anyway, one of the interns wanted to look through her garden (since it was so close to her house) and get a kind of vocabulary lesson of what plant is what. Thus, I attempted to communicate this. (*Please keep in mind that Pidgin is a language with a limited vocabulary so often you must talk around things to get your point across.) So I asked her if she could show us around her garden so we could see what different vegetation there is. She replied that the sun was high and it might cook (or burn) our skin. I explained that we had on something that made our skin strong (sun screen... which we called "strong skin" for the rest of the summer) and so she grabbed a stick and led the way.

 I soon realized that what I thought I'd communicated and what she interpreted were two different things. She put us to work finding and hauling kaukau (a kind of potato/rooted veggie). She got the guys big sticks to put down into the ground and push up the kaukau as we women put bilums (bags) on our heads and would catch and carry the kaukau from whomever found it. "Yu noken sanap na noken sindaun. Yu mas wok tasol." In other words, "you can't stand straight up or sit down. Just work." Even when the bilums were giving us headaches and I tried to tell her we were done, she explained that there was still plenty of room in the bilums.

Never had I ever met a Papua New Guinean like this woman. Usually people were very delicate with us, and even some that acted like we could break if they gave us too much to do. Not this woman. She was more strict with us, but I kind of respected her for that too. And still, after we brought this kaukau back to the house, I opened my mouth again and said that we had some time and could help peel them when she asked. She got out her one knife and we took turns peeling the kaukau. Everything I did in how I peeled it was wrong. I gave the knife to Bre (who held the knife the exact same way, and cut it the exact same way) and the lady praised her for doing it right.

Who knows, but when we were leaving and we gave her our thanks, she hugged all of us (even the guys). Once again, PNG people don't usually hug like this. She was unique, spirited, and a person that I don't think I can ever forget. She was a character and made an impression on all of us. I wonder what impression I leave with others... or am I forgettable? Whatever the case, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Ps. 139:14) and so are you.

Trip to Madang Haus Sik

When we were in Madang town (during the midway part of our trip), we got to go to the "haus sik" (or hospital) with a couple missionaries. One of the things that we (as women) got to see was the maternity ward. We got to hand a few things out to new mothers and soon-to-be mothers. There were even a few twins and a mother that had triplets!

At one point, we got to see the ICU area for premature babies. There were two babies. I'd never seen such tiny infants. One could probably fit in one hand and the other wasn't much bigger. It looked like every effort made by these babies was to hold on to life. Just to breathe seemed like great exertion. I couldn't help asking God to look out for them (which I knew He already was).

I have a hard time with some things like that. If a person is living well enough, there's no turmoil within me. Even when someone dies, I find it easier to cope than when a human being (especially a child) lives with pain or hardship. Still, seeing these small babies grasping at life with all they had made me want to be more bold and live life to the full. Why should we live in fear or waste time being so negative? With so many new lives coming into the world, may we be reminded of the gifts we are given and how great our God is.

Hike to Igoi

I knew we would make it to the top. I just didn't know how the journey from the starting point through the end would be. We had bounced up and down in the two vehicles that were driving us as far as possible towards the village of Igoi. We got to a bridge that was slanted and not connected to our side of it. It was evident that we would start walking from there. We got our things out of the cars, over the bridge, and by the river. We waited for a while and a few people came to help us get our things across the river... and then we waited for a few hours more.

When we got a few more people to walk with us and to help us carry things, I wanted to carry my backpack for as long as I could. The first bit of the hike was through thick mud and vines at our feet. There weren't many trees as cover, but for this hike, we got going early enough that it wasn't blazing. There were times when the mud would cling to our shoes/boots and for the other two expat girls in our group, some of the women would cut mud off of their shoes. I figured the mud would eventually come off when we got into the jungle. I don't remember how long it took, but I was asked about four different times if I wanted to give my pack to someone else. I said "no" for four times, and then, at one point, I just stopped and gave it away.

We eventually made it into the jungle and, shortly after, to a river that we walked through and then had a break. They said this was the halfway mark, but I doubt it. From there on, it was pretty much up. Like, straight up. At some points, we were almost climbing on the side of the mountain. One misstep could mean that we ended up 50 feet below. At one point, one of the interns had asked how much longer we had. Someone replied, "Em klostu liklik." Directly translated, this means "its pretty close." But culturally, this could mean, "if we keep walking like this, we should get there today." To the interns, this meant around 30 minutes. About 40 minutes later, we came to a spot where the trees opened up and we could see more of the mountains ahead. One of the nationals pointed to a house almost on top of the mountain we were beside of and said, "we'll be going by that house and then be at Igoi." My interns were not happy and I decided that even I could've done without that knowledge. From then on, the interns learned about the cultural difference of "klostu liklik" and "klostu tru" (really close).

After about 6 or 7 hours from where we began hiking, we made it to the top of the mountain. As we all laid on our backs on the ground, one of the interns got some energy and chased kids around. When we had chilled out on the grass for a while, we eventually made it up to the house we were to stay in, checked on the water and battery situation, pumped water some up to the top of the house, sorted things, and started dinner. We wound down, found huge geckos, and eventually went to sleep on our first night (at least the interns' first night) in Igoi.

What Do You See?

What makes up a person if not for their experiences? Why are some able to be so vulnerable when others shut everyone out? What makes us fight or run or freeze? What gives us joy and sorrow?

Sometimes, I almost wish I could be like Sherlock Holmes. I know he's a fictional character, but even so, I marvel at things that can be discovered through looking closely at the details.

Do you see others? (And I'm talking about the kind of "seeing" that is described in the movie Avatar -the one with the blue people- where its deeper than looking with our eyes. Its accepting who that person is.) I ask that question, because many times, I walk through a store and am in task-mode. Sometimes, when around others that I've known my entire life, I'm going through the motions and don't take time to see them.

Once, a recent friend asked me if I had ever done ballet. I said, "yes, when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. How did you know?" He replied that he noticed how I held my hand and fingers in a particular way. He related it to someone else he knew who had done ballet. What?! Something so small, but he'd noticed. People remember when someone takes time on them, when someone notices them, and when someone sees them.

In such a generation that is so focused on themselves, it seems like they are crying out to be noticed. I've been trying to ask more questions about them. When I do, I see looks that are slightly taken back from the fact that I'm asking about their lives. As much as I want to be seen sometimes, this life is ultimately not about me and my glory. When I ask about others and find myself investing in them, I hope that I can honor God through the process.

If people are yearning for a chance to be noticed and to know that they are special, then why shouldn't that be a way for us to decrease and Him to increase? Let us see each other in love, trying to understand motivations, and turning the attention towards the One who created us and was willing to die so that we could know His love.

Constructive Criticism

Have you ever watched a talent show (like American Idol, America's Got Talent, or other--obviously not all from America) and seen those who think they can sing... and can't? When a judge is straight up blunt with them, it hurts but is somewhat refreshing too. Still, how could they not see it before being on national television!? Oh yes... because friends or family or perfect strangers all wanted to be uplifting and didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, right?

There can be denial that happens as a result of such news ...or acceptance.

I want to apply this to a few other abilities beyond singing. Think of interior design. Or directing. Or dancing. Or acting. Or counseling. And so on and so on. Almost any job. When is it a good time to say, "look, I don't think this is for you... not your strong suit"? (Seriously, I'm wanting an answer here!)

Now, I don't want to be misunderstood. I believe that people need to try new things and can learn from experience. If someone messes up, learn from it!

What I'm talking about is a person that is either a sensitive (or sometimes stubborn) friend or even a superior. A person who keeps on making the same mistakes over and over and doesn't see them as mistakes to correct. A person who gives you jobs to do so that their decisions affect how others see you as well.

Criticism can come to anyone at any time, but turning it into constructive criticism takes work and practice. I'm totally not perfect at giving it yet. However, when I try to give it to someone who doesn't even want it (or refuses to listen at all), its rough.

Let's flip it around. Could you (or I) be one of these people that thinks we're awesome at something when we're just not? Are you able to take advise or direction? I know its hard for me in times when I don't respect the person giving it or when I've just not processed the fact that I need it. We can ultimately only change ourselves, but we do have an effect on others around us.

Let's not be critical, but be constructive.

Valentine's Day... Why?

I have never had a date (with a guy) on Valentine's Day. I've gotten to hang out with friends, and (though I can call them "friend dates") its not the same.

While I was in PNG, I didn't have a problem with this day. There's nothing to remind me of it because it doesn't exist there. When I was younger, I loved it. I would try to do something for my parents and enjoyed sending cute messages to classmates. As I got into high school, I liked surprising some of my friends with notes/valentines of encouragement and greetings. This followed a bit into college where those of my friends who were single would get together with me, and we'd hang out to celebrate our singleness as well as our annoyance of the "couple holiday".

Now that I'm in the States and have all of these commercials, gifts, and banquets shoved to my attention again, I decided to look up who started it in the first place (so I'd know who to blame).

According to an article that I found on the internet (surely true, right?), a pope was trying to replace a holiday around the month of February that had guys picking girl's names out of an urn so that those girls would be their lovers for a full year. The pope apparently wanted to change it to pick out a saint's name and strive to act more like them throughout the year. I can see the reasons for this, but it didn't really work. Eventually, it changed into what we've got today with more details that I'm sure you can find on the internet as well.

So, what do I do now? I guess I'll do what I've been doing: celebrate my singleness and encourage others through it. I will admit that I have moments when I'm bummed out, but why should I get down because I don't have a date? I have many lovely people in my life... and if that fails (because they all are coupled up), there's always jamming out to music and having a personal dance party. But even more so than these things, I have God who loves me and knows what I need, right when I need it.

Happy Valentine's Day OR Single's Awareness Day everyone!

How It Was Meant To Be

I have known that I am (more or less) a quiet person. To those who know me more or most, I am not always so. Even with these close friends or family members, I still usually reel it back with many things. A big thing that often I do this with is music.

Let's face it! When I'm around others, I don't want to be extremely loud, annoying, or seemingly arrogant. Though I sing with a few (my sister and mother most of the time), I'm typically listening in order to blend better with them and harmonize when I can.

My sister mentioned recently that I have seemed more reserved since coming back from Papua New Guinea. Its like I've been reverting back to when I was in middle school or before. Only a few knew the deeper "me". I would only open up with some I had tested little by little and had found that they would be less inclined to judge or make fun of me. Not many people really did that ever anyway, but I've always been cautious. In any case, I did notice that my singing in PNG was lessened (since everyone could hear me because of living so close together).

Because I'm now in Pride and Prejudice and we've been rehearsing, I've been working on projecting with a British accent. I hope I'm getting better (since it bugs me when lines aren't heard during a play). After practicing, my family went out for dinner. Seeing that I had to leave for the theatre soon after, I stayed, did some dishes, and sang like I haven't gotten to sing in so very long!

I didn't have to worry about bothering anyone's activities or thinking that someone else might hear. I just sang. And I loved it and realized how much I'd missed it. Truly, I've been singing more since I got back into the States, but not quite like this. I sang powerfully and felt free. I used my voice like God has made it and I sang songs like they were meant to be sung.

I cannot say that I will immediately become like I was in high school and through college, nor will I promise that I will remain in this more-shy state. I will say that this entire thing is a part of who I am. I am reserved and outgoing. I am able to give and take. But I suppose what I found today was that I still need to find a way to let my voice out and not be ashamed of what others may think.

I want to live my life how it's meant to be.

Productivity

There are many days when I feel like I am not productive. Usually on those days, I don't have a list, don't check off many things from a list I made, or when I'm being plain lazy. Since I am yet to be employed, I feel like many people think I'm not doing much all day. Some days, they're right. Today, however, they would be incorrect.

I made a list the previous evening for today and I ended up checking off every single thing (except one). I spoke to a friend last night about productivity. I am definitely a list/planner person (unless I feel like a rebel that day). She is not quite like me. So I asked her what makes her get things done. She suggested a deadline can do the job. Another thing she mentioned was for her to have a separate work space (not around family members or friends) so she can focus on the task at hand.

There are some other things that motivate me: one being others' expectations. Thus, I was wondering what motivates you? I don't expect to hear back from many on here, but it is one thing that I am interested in if I am to motivate others to better themselves.

Also, if you are using this blog to procrastinate, go be productive!! (But thanks for reading!)

When God speaks...

I was asked to be a leader of a group of interns to PNG next summer. I said "yes". I'm really excited and hope I'm a good leader! I've been praying for my teammates and know that God is pulling me towards this. Here's something that not many people know: I was among some that were asked to lead the PNG internship last summer. It didn't feel right when I prayed about it, so I said "no" back then. I know that there are reasons why it was not time for me to lead and some have speculated on some of those, reassuring me of reasons they now see that they couldn't see then. It was the right decision.

Others often ask me, "how do you know what God says?" Honestly, there has never been a super easy answer to that question. Its not a voice that comes down or a coin I flip. Its not always the same leading or guidance that happened before. There are times that God can show us His will by something big, but most times, its subtle. For periods of time, He seems to be silent, like He's waiting to see if we really want to know and are going to pay attention if He shows us the way.

The Word of God shows us about God's character and God's will. "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2) With prayer, some advise from wise friends, knowing one's gifts as well as realizing comfort zones are often stretched, being honest with oneself and God, and taking time to listen through the noise around us, we can better renew our minds and follow the will of God.

There have been many of my friends who have gotten married. When I ask how they knew that their guy was the one, many have said, "you just know". I hate that answer. I always want a clear direction and I wouldn't mind a written out plan and route. I suppose that's me trying to control everything. That's not faith. Sometimes, its listening in the silence to what God might send. Other times, its praying and then stepping out in faith to see if God opens or closes a door. And still other times, its deciding if God is allowing an obstacle in our way so we can overcome it through Him, learning and growing more as we go.

Often times, I want to hang back or rush forward. Instead, I need to walk, hand in hand, with my Lord, fixing my eyes on Him.

I was talking to my mom the other day, and she made an interesting connection. She said that all of the things that went wrong on my trips to and from PNG (while on my own) were probably preparations. Though things could've turned out way worse (and thus I saw God's protection through them), the hardships that I encountered will help me be better equipped to take care of a group while in transit. (Just as a side note: while I was in PNG's country, I was usually with others that were looking out for me, so during that time, it wasn't very hard to be in transit or in difficult situations, should they arise.)

God hasn't let me down yet, and so I will not give up faith in Him or in what He is helping me to become. I'll just keep listening...

Cure for a Zombie

Do you ever feel like you're a zombie? Its like you can move and go throughout your day, but you're really not very "alive".

Lately, I've been feeling like this quite a bit. I can be super busy or doing nothing, and yet I can totally feel my brain slowly rotting as I get on social media, sit expressionless in front of the television, or don't see much of the sun. Its not about bashing social media or even media in general.

In fact, it was on a social media post from a friend that I was inspired to try again at making changes in my life.  (For example, consistent exercising, practicing guitar, being intentional about time with friends, and all those forgotten New Year's resolutions.) My lovely friend shared the following link and said she'd thought of me while reading this. If you take time to read it, I hope it touches you as well.

http://velvetashes.com/we-are-women-who/

When my days, from my point of view, look boring, unproductive, and ineffective to help people in some way, its a personal downer. "Will another day be wasted that I can't get back?" It can be hard to pick myself up the next day and say, "let's make this day better than the last"... but here, out of the ashes of a seemingly dead life, I am challenged. Challenged to look at the person I am, or was, or want to be, and regroup.

Life should not be pathetic and was never meant to be! I don't know if you may have felt like I have. Maybe so or maybe not. If so, I ask you to stand with me as we help each other get up and try again. We are not alone and we have so much life to live.

I guess, when I write all of this, I want to point out a few things:

First, it takes effort to truly live. Like the song "Try Again" by Aaliyah says, "If at first you don't succeed, you can dust if off and try again. Dust yourself off and try again." (I love the beat of the song!!) Life can get monotonous, so let's find and create ways to spice it up again!

Second, we mess up... and quite a bit if I may add, but it's just as it says in the "Dark Knight" movies. "Why do we fall?... so we can learn to pick ourselves up."

And third, we are not alone. As Luna Lovegood says (in Harry Potter), "Well if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. Because if it's just you alone, you're not as much of a threat." We can make a difference if we understand that we are not alone. Praise God, because He's with us too!

So how do we cure the zombies inside us? Wake up ...and see above. ;)

Can I do this?: Pics #25 & 26

Since I didn't put a picture up yesterday, I'm putting up two (one for today and yesterday) as I think back to my time in 2011 with a good friend and two of my cousins. One thing though: I'm changing my challenge. I really don't know if I can do a picture everyday for an entire year. Let's face it, I've cheated a slight bit by putting up some pictures from years past. Its not a bad thing, but I don't want to do this just to do it. If I put something up here, I want it to mean something more than "look, I took a random picture today". I guess, since most of my time is spent at home (now-a-days... thanks to no consistent job as of yet), I feel like there's not too much to see or write about. Well, actually, there's almost always something to write about... but when it comes to snapping pictures, its not a all-the-time thing.

Anyway, I'm going to make the challenge for 50 pictures and it doesn't have to be an everyday thing. At the end of that, I'll re-evaluate to see how its going. Its almost like it becomes a hassle or routine if its for every day.

So, for today's (and yesterday's) pictures... They are of a friend and a time that I'm thinking about. When certain times of the year come, there are memories that are remembered along with them. My good friend, Megan, had the brilliant idea for us to take out my little cousins. We went ice skating and then had a bit of ice cream. I'm not that great at ice skating... or really any kind of skating... but I managed not to fall. I had been nervous because I didn't want to fall on top of one, or both, of my cousins. By the end of the day, everyone was tired out. It was fun and I was amazed at how fast the kids picked it up!

I miss bunches of friends. The sad reality is that many of my closest friends live hours (if not states or countries) away. We keep in touch, but its never the same as asking a friend, "hey, you wanna hang out?" and getting together right then. My friends that live nearer usually seem to be busy and some have changed to the point that we don't have too much in common with each other as we did before I left for PNG.

I don't want to be a downer. I do enjoy spending time with my family. I suppose that something's got to give as far as my social calendar. But for now, I'm just missing the time when friends and I were close (in proximity).

No Story Alone: Pic #24

I had been trying to take a good picture on the way to church, but it just didn't work out. On the way back, I really wanted to stop on the side of the road, but I wasn't driving, so we didn't. When I got home, I was determined to snap a photo of my beautiful mountains combined with so much color and now snow.

I asked if anyone wanted to come with me as I took a quick picture or two. Eli, my sister's husband was willing, so off we went. He asked why I'd asked for someone to go with me. I responded by saying that its not quite a story if no one else is there. For example, on my way home from PNG, I had tons of crazy adventures, but I can call someone up or look over at a friend and say, "hey, remember that time when...?" because no one was there with me. (Obviously God was with me, and though I can say that stuff to Him, it does seem to help if I can do that with people I can physically see too.)

In any case, this is the picture that I took. I love these mountains!!!

Christmas in November: Pic #23

I could tell something was different when I woke up this morning. I'd heard the forecasts the previous night, even saw some snow beginning to come down before bed, but I didn't give them much credit. There had been too many times when I would expect snow, look out my window, and frost would be it. Honestly, I didn't really like the thought of muddy, rainy, cold weather already.

I suppose that's what surprised me and kept me from returning to sleep in a bit more this morning. It was like Christmas was here early! I didn't think I had missed snow so much. After being in PNG for two winters, I hadn't seen snow in two years. I was so pumped up that I let the dogs out and in, fixed my breakfast, and ate it while staring at the snow. I felt like a kid who'd been waiting for snow forever.

Honestly, I've never been one that enjoys cold winds and slush, but if its going to be cold, it might as well snow! And not just snow, but stay for the day at least. (None of this... hmm, how to say it better... nope, I can't think of how... "half-ass" it stuff. None of that, and please do excuse the term. I honestly can't think of a better way to phrase it.)

Anyway, I even got to the point of playing some winter/Christmas songs. Now, to those of you who have your rule of not playing that kind of music until after Thanksgiving, I respect that. Why skip over a perfectly good holiday... but honestly, I will also do as I please in this and it just felt like it must be done.

On this day, I went out with my mom to purchase a few things. It was an adventure for sure and I'm pretty sure we caused our fair share of trouble in each and every place we went (there were four). In any case, it was a beautiful day, and I was enthralled to be surprised by such a day. (PS Time change happening tonight I'm told.)

Fortunate Family: Pic #22

It had felt like forever since hanging out with my middle brother. It was so good to hang out with him, my sister, and my mom for lunch today. We had a good time, and he even sang along with us in the car a bit. It seems to be the simple things as well as the relationships I treasure that make me enjoy life. I am fortunate to have the family that I do.

Since we ate at a Japanese place, we got fortune cookies. Mine said something about making an important, overdue decision in the future. Vague, yes... that's why they're in cookies... but I was presented with a decision that I will need to make in the coming weeks. I'm praying about it and seeing where God leads me on the decision. (Also, for a completely off-subject twist, I'm reading a book on the history of the Church and am finding myself really excited about it. Hmm... I guess I might be able to read other genres than fiction after all.)

I Saw the Sign: Pic #21

 

Six years ago (2008), I saw this sign in PNG and chuckled. Though I realize that AIDS is a serious thing, I still have an admiration for this picture. I enjoy looking back... as well as looking forward. And I must say I enjoy a bit of foreshadowing too.