Waking Up

The last few days have been a total haze.  At one point, I didn't have strength to do anything so I just zoned out.  Really, I sat in my living room and stared at the couch on the other side of the room.  It was lovely.  I didn't really see the couch; I wasn't there.  It was peaceful and I thought of nothing.  Wonderful experience!

Still, its no fun being sick.  Everything seems to be put on hold.  This is a thing that I find very hard to do.  I work seven days a week; an Avon order needed to be turned in, spreadsheets made, reports written, guests called back, sound board to be run, laundry to do, rooms to be cleaned, and yet, I had no strength.  Even making my food took tons of effort.  I felt ugly and gross.  I wanted someone to take care of me, but didn't want anyone to be exposed to me or see me.

When children get sick or don't feel well, they just lie down.  It doesn't matter where; they just do it.  Adults, on the other hand, feel we have things we MUST do.  Either we think no one else can do it right or without us or we don't want others to bear the burden of what "needs" to be done.  My Mom looked at me and said, "Michelle, nothing NEEDS to be done."  I still don't think I've completely grasped that.  I need to be needed, but more than that, I don't want to let anyone down.  If I do a halfway job or don't get it done at all, that's like saying, "you just weren't worth the time".  Mom spread the word that I needed help.  Mom helped one day, and on Tuesday and Wednesday other board members have stepped up.  Even tomorrow I have an offer to help.  Yay and praises to God!  But this part isn't exactly why I sat down to write.

It started Thursday.  A cough.  It continued through Friday and by Saturday, I knew I was sick.  Sunday I felt worse, but I had to make it to Monday.  I got an appointment.  Got the meds.  When I got back home, about ten messages waited on me!  As I was writing them down and trying to manage who to call back first, four other messages came in!  This was the day I was completely out of it.  The day I hated life.  The day I looked like death.  The day I couldn't really process anything.  I was in a daze, but trying to work.

Stubborn adults keep striving when they should stop and smell the flowers.  We should lay down and rest.  Stop pushing ourselves into sickness!  Count on others if possible and let them do what they will.  It'll be alright!  Hard pill to swallow... and I've been taking big ones since I saw the doctor.

As I start to recover and come out of the haze, I wonder why these things hit me so hard.  Writing it out helps me see my flaws.  Its difficult for me to trust others with what I'm supposed to do.  Its hard to make myself stop (when I pile soooooo many things on my plate constantly---classes, manager, rep., sub, church helper, zumba helper, transportation, and who knows what else).  I don't even ask for help often.  Come on!!!  I can't keep having physical (or emotional) break-downs.  

Will I get better soon?  I'm hoping so and trying to take it easy.  Will I change?  I'm trying, but these flaws are built very deeply within me.  I need help.  I'm asking.