I woke up thinking "I can do this... I can get out of bed... I've got to get to class." After slowly making my breakfast, getting ready, and walking out the door, I noticed it looked like rain. While making the trip over to Kingsport, it started raining really hard. It wasn't too hard that I had lots of difficulty, but the wind was starting to pick up. I made it to the Regional Center of Health Pros and parked.
Brandon walked up and told me that class was cancelled! WHAT?! I feel like there should be a system that tells students when class is cancelled (especially when everyone has to drive so far)! After briefly talking to Melanie, I got back into my car and started home.
This time, the wind and rain had picked up much more. The wind would try to push me off the road and the rain made it extremely arduous to see. Swarms of leaves would surround our cars in order to intimidate us. My Mom called and told me there was a tornado warning. With a wild storm around me, you can imagine how comforted I was with this information. By this time, I was making it closer to my exit. Once I was on the ramp, I thought things would be better... easier. I was wrong.
There was more water to go through. Trees were in the road along with construction supplies. While I was turning left for the last leg of my journey, there was a traffic cone upside down (right in front of me). I thought I had run over it, but after pulling into my parking lot and backing into my parking space (I'm guessing about a quarter mile from where I had run over it--maybe less), I found the cone. It had made it through turning and speed bumps! How? I have no clue! Its still behind my house. Some ladies at the JCMC told me I should decorated it as a witch for Halloween. Who knows what I'll do with it, but I can't put it back where it was... In the middle of the street? I don't think so.
No class... and no sleeping late. Not even a nap. I can't sleep now! Guess I'll go run errands and deal with a non-guest. Exciting day!... really, not sarcastic! ;)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Waking Up
The last few days have been a total haze. At one point, I didn't have strength to do anything so I just zoned out. Really, I sat in my living room and stared at the couch on the other side of the room. It was lovely. I didn't really see the couch; I wasn't there. It was peaceful and I thought of nothing. Wonderful experience!
Still, its no fun being sick. Everything seems to be put on hold. This is a thing that I find very hard to do. I work seven days a week; an Avon order needed to be turned in, spreadsheets made, reports written, guests called back, sound board to be run, laundry to do, rooms to be cleaned, and yet, I had no strength. Even making my food took tons of effort. I felt ugly and gross. I wanted someone to take care of me, but didn't want anyone to be exposed to me or see me.
When children get sick or don't feel well, they just lie down. It doesn't matter where; they just do it. Adults, on the other hand, feel we have things we MUST do. Either we think no one else can do it right or without us or we don't want others to bear the burden of what "needs" to be done. My Mom looked at me and said, "Michelle, nothing NEEDS to be done." I still don't think I've completely grasped that. I need to be needed, but more than that, I don't want to let anyone down. If I do a halfway job or don't get it done at all, that's like saying, "you just weren't worth the time". Mom spread the word that I needed help. Mom helped one day, and on Tuesday and Wednesday other board members have stepped up. Even tomorrow I have an offer to help. Yay and praises to God! But this part isn't exactly why I sat down to write.
It started Thursday. A cough. It continued through Friday and by Saturday, I knew I was sick. Sunday I felt worse, but I had to make it to Monday. I got an appointment. Got the meds. When I got back home, about ten messages waited on me! As I was writing them down and trying to manage who to call back first, four other messages came in! This was the day I was completely out of it. The day I hated life. The day I looked like death. The day I couldn't really process anything. I was in a daze, but trying to work.
Stubborn adults keep striving when they should stop and smell the flowers. We should lay down and rest. Stop pushing ourselves into sickness! Count on others if possible and let them do what they will. It'll be alright! Hard pill to swallow... and I've been taking big ones since I saw the doctor.
As I start to recover and come out of the haze, I wonder why these things hit me so hard. Writing it out helps me see my flaws. Its difficult for me to trust others with what I'm supposed to do. Its hard to make myself stop (when I pile soooooo many things on my plate constantly---classes, manager, rep., sub, church helper, zumba helper, transportation, and who knows what else). I don't even ask for help often. Come on!!! I can't keep having physical (or emotional) break-downs.
Will I get better soon? I'm hoping so and trying to take it easy. Will I change? I'm trying, but these flaws are built very deeply within me. I need help. I'm asking.
Still, its no fun being sick. Everything seems to be put on hold. This is a thing that I find very hard to do. I work seven days a week; an Avon order needed to be turned in, spreadsheets made, reports written, guests called back, sound board to be run, laundry to do, rooms to be cleaned, and yet, I had no strength. Even making my food took tons of effort. I felt ugly and gross. I wanted someone to take care of me, but didn't want anyone to be exposed to me or see me.
When children get sick or don't feel well, they just lie down. It doesn't matter where; they just do it. Adults, on the other hand, feel we have things we MUST do. Either we think no one else can do it right or without us or we don't want others to bear the burden of what "needs" to be done. My Mom looked at me and said, "Michelle, nothing NEEDS to be done." I still don't think I've completely grasped that. I need to be needed, but more than that, I don't want to let anyone down. If I do a halfway job or don't get it done at all, that's like saying, "you just weren't worth the time". Mom spread the word that I needed help. Mom helped one day, and on Tuesday and Wednesday other board members have stepped up. Even tomorrow I have an offer to help. Yay and praises to God! But this part isn't exactly why I sat down to write.
It started Thursday. A cough. It continued through Friday and by Saturday, I knew I was sick. Sunday I felt worse, but I had to make it to Monday. I got an appointment. Got the meds. When I got back home, about ten messages waited on me! As I was writing them down and trying to manage who to call back first, four other messages came in! This was the day I was completely out of it. The day I hated life. The day I looked like death. The day I couldn't really process anything. I was in a daze, but trying to work.
Stubborn adults keep striving when they should stop and smell the flowers. We should lay down and rest. Stop pushing ourselves into sickness! Count on others if possible and let them do what they will. It'll be alright! Hard pill to swallow... and I've been taking big ones since I saw the doctor.
As I start to recover and come out of the haze, I wonder why these things hit me so hard. Writing it out helps me see my flaws. Its difficult for me to trust others with what I'm supposed to do. Its hard to make myself stop (when I pile soooooo many things on my plate constantly---classes, manager, rep., sub, church helper, zumba helper, transportation, and who knows what else). I don't even ask for help often. Come on!!! I can't keep having physical (or emotional) break-downs.
Will I get better soon? I'm hoping so and trying to take it easy. Will I change? I'm trying, but these flaws are built very deeply within me. I need help. I'm asking.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm sick...
Its like having everything drained out of me! All of my strength is gone. At times, I can't even finish ........
Friday, October 15, 2010
Forgiveness Follow-Up
For those who wonder if I'm serious about following through, here's something just as a follow up on my "Forgiveness" post.
"You're really..." "Blunt?" "...honest. 'Blunt' is more for people intentionally trying to hurt someone. 'Honest' is someone being truthful and willing to work things out." "Hmm... I never thought of it that way."
Yep, I needed to talk it out---talking out all (and I mean ALL) of my issues with this guy. I'd texted him asking if we could meet alone. In my mind, I needed somewhere there would be people but no one listening in. We met in a parking lot. I wanted to talk to him alone so I wouldn't have to wonder if I was offending someone else. I could just be plain honest and lay everything out on the table. We went through every issue and he let me know his side. It was good and enlightening. After the conversation, we talked about a few other things about life. It worked out well.
I had gone there disliking (probably even hating) this guy, and afterwards left with the possibility of being friends. We're not there yet and it'll probably take a little time, but we're on our way. More importantly, I'm on my way to total forgiveness of this guy. Its even more freeing than buying underwear (if you've read my last blog---unless you're a guy). :)
"You're really..." "Blunt?" "...honest. 'Blunt' is more for people intentionally trying to hurt someone. 'Honest' is someone being truthful and willing to work things out." "Hmm... I never thought of it that way."
Yep, I needed to talk it out---talking out all (and I mean ALL) of my issues with this guy. I'd texted him asking if we could meet alone. In my mind, I needed somewhere there would be people but no one listening in. We met in a parking lot. I wanted to talk to him alone so I wouldn't have to wonder if I was offending someone else. I could just be plain honest and lay everything out on the table. We went through every issue and he let me know his side. It was good and enlightening. After the conversation, we talked about a few other things about life. It worked out well.
I had gone there disliking (probably even hating) this guy, and afterwards left with the possibility of being friends. We're not there yet and it'll probably take a little time, but we're on our way. More importantly, I'm on my way to total forgiveness of this guy. Its even more freeing than buying underwear (if you've read my last blog---unless you're a guy). :)
Cute Panties
WARNING: For any guys attempting to read this and thus not understanding the title as mostly meant for girls, you have been warned. Whatever you find in this may be over your head or might plainly freak you out. Its your choice: read or stop now.
There is something very freeing about buying really cute underwear. Bras are just a bit more expensive, but its easier to find good prices on outrageous or frilly panties. I would not really write about this on something that almost anyone can see, but to the ladies that share this fascination, know that you are not alone.
My Mom and I were on our way to the mall in order to find some "special" things for a coworker who's getting married soon. Mom needed me there. Her boss couldn't make it (because of pain from a tooth) and had asked if my Mom could pick certain things out for her. Let me just say that we had to go into Spenser's and Victoria Secrets (two places I usually never go). I don't mind VS but everything is a bit too expensive. Spenser's has neat things right up front, but making a journey towards the back makes me super uncomfortable (probably because I feel my innocence slipping away from me).
Anyway, we got the stuff we needed and headed over to Penny's. I love the sells on underwear so we began our search. There was a young girl there with (I'm guessing) her grandma. I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable being there, but she started warming up to us (since we were all digging through the options). Its almost like we began to bond with other women around good priced undies.
Every time I've bought panties and wear my new purchases, I feel pretty. Though no one will see them except me, its a freeing experience. I also told my Mom that I feel like she's my best friend right now. Its totally true. We hang out and I can tell her things that others would probably feel I'd need to let a counselor or jury know. (Not seriously, but people would think that I'm more insane than I let on normally). Its good to have her as a friend and a Mom.
There is something very freeing about buying really cute underwear. Bras are just a bit more expensive, but its easier to find good prices on outrageous or frilly panties. I would not really write about this on something that almost anyone can see, but to the ladies that share this fascination, know that you are not alone.
My Mom and I were on our way to the mall in order to find some "special" things for a coworker who's getting married soon. Mom needed me there. Her boss couldn't make it (because of pain from a tooth) and had asked if my Mom could pick certain things out for her. Let me just say that we had to go into Spenser's and Victoria Secrets (two places I usually never go). I don't mind VS but everything is a bit too expensive. Spenser's has neat things right up front, but making a journey towards the back makes me super uncomfortable (probably because I feel my innocence slipping away from me).
Anyway, we got the stuff we needed and headed over to Penny's. I love the sells on underwear so we began our search. There was a young girl there with (I'm guessing) her grandma. I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable being there, but she started warming up to us (since we were all digging through the options). Its almost like we began to bond with other women around good priced undies.
Every time I've bought panties and wear my new purchases, I feel pretty. Though no one will see them except me, its a freeing experience. I also told my Mom that I feel like she's my best friend right now. Its totally true. We hang out and I can tell her things that others would probably feel I'd need to let a counselor or jury know. (Not seriously, but people would think that I'm more insane than I let on normally). Its good to have her as a friend and a Mom.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Forgiveness
All day, I've gone on to the next thing. Class. Cleaning/Work. Avon. Errands. Picking up Danielle. Church. Dropping off Danielle and Nick. Its been crazy. Therefore tonight, I didn't really imagine things hitting home.
I told someone I would teach their class for this Wednesday (the 6th-10th grades). Last night, I really started thinking about what to teach on and talking it over with God. I flipped over to Luke 11 (where the Lord's Prayer is found). The section stuck out to me and then I saw it. Verse 4. I had read a friend's blog that had talked about God forgiving us in the measure we forgive. It struck a nerve.
I've been struggling with forgiving this one person. Someone who hurt someone very close to me. She's forgiven him. I'm trying, but its not easy. I thought I'd do the lesson on forgiveness so I could learn more about it too. Out of nowhere, there he is. He shows up AT CHURCH!!!! What?!?!?!?! I wasn't even prepared at all. Suddenly, these feelings of keying his car, throwing something at him, or telling him just exactly what I think of him came upon me. I mean, he parked right next to me. No, I didn't do anything bad to him... just ignored him to the best of my ability. He even came and sat right in front of me at dinner!
I hadn't gotten my food yet, so I went outside when I did (and sat with my youngest brother). Class went well and it was really fun too! I got them to think and we played a game afterwards! I made me think too. After getting done with class, I went outside and chilled with my class (and the younger class).
On a happier note, I got Nick talking on the way to his house. I usually can get small answers out of him, but by the time we were at his house, he was talkin' it up! It made me so proud! I love seeing people open up! I love getting people to talk! (Especially quieter people ---though he's not quiet when my other brother is around him!)
I told someone I would teach their class for this Wednesday (the 6th-10th grades). Last night, I really started thinking about what to teach on and talking it over with God. I flipped over to Luke 11 (where the Lord's Prayer is found). The section stuck out to me and then I saw it. Verse 4. I had read a friend's blog that had talked about God forgiving us in the measure we forgive. It struck a nerve.
I've been struggling with forgiving this one person. Someone who hurt someone very close to me. She's forgiven him. I'm trying, but its not easy. I thought I'd do the lesson on forgiveness so I could learn more about it too. Out of nowhere, there he is. He shows up AT CHURCH!!!! What?!?!?!?! I wasn't even prepared at all. Suddenly, these feelings of keying his car, throwing something at him, or telling him just exactly what I think of him came upon me. I mean, he parked right next to me. No, I didn't do anything bad to him... just ignored him to the best of my ability. He even came and sat right in front of me at dinner!
I hadn't gotten my food yet, so I went outside when I did (and sat with my youngest brother). Class went well and it was really fun too! I got them to think and we played a game afterwards! I made me think too. After getting done with class, I went outside and chilled with my class (and the younger class).
Then, there he was again! He came up right in front of me! I was talking to my Mom and I refused to look in his eyes. I answered him when he talked about what I was talking about, but I didn't want him to think I was okay with him doing what he did.
I've asked the class I taught to pray for me on this issue. I could use your prayers... and any helpful advice.
On a happier note, I got Nick talking on the way to his house. I usually can get small answers out of him, but by the time we were at his house, he was talkin' it up! It made me so proud! I love seeing people open up! I love getting people to talk! (Especially quieter people ---though he's not quiet when my other brother is around him!)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Loud Little Gestures
For most of the day today, I've felt sick. I've done what needs to be done at my job(s) but other than that, have found myself laying down on the couch or bed. My Dad called this morning and asked if he could take me out for lunch. Any chance I get to hang out with him, I try to take. I don't really get to see him much (because he works second and I don't live at my parents' house), so I love spending time with him.
He picked me up, bought me soup at Jason's Deli, and we chatted a bit. He even gave me the rest of his baked potato for later! One thing he did, that surprised me, was open the car door for me. I can't really remember a time that he went out of his way to open the car door for me. I've never thought about it before and really didn't care. If it takes more time for a guy to open a door for me (when I don't have things in my hands), then why do it? Still, Dad opened it and said that he wants to let me know how guys are supposed to treat me. Super Sweet!!!!!! I don't think he understands how much that stood out to me! I used to even fuss when guys tried to help me, but I've finally begun to realized that I want others to let me help them... so I have to let others help me. Thanks Dad!!!
After lunch, cleaning, and checking people in, I lay down again. My Mom had called me to say she was bringing over a package from home after work; when she got here, she said she was going to the store. I hate grocery shopping and have been trying to avoid it as long as possible. Every time I go alone, it seems to take forever! I wanted to go with her though. Company is always so much better and I love hanging out with her. Its almost like she's my best friend! We did our shopping together and it went so much faster! When we went to the checkout, I tried to pay for my stuff. It didn't go through so I was going to take something off. I had put some money into my checking account just today, so what went wrong!!!???!!! Mom went on and paid for it! I used to give people hard times when they'd try to pay for something for me. Once again, I've tried to pay for someone else and want them just to accept it as a gift. I try to do that now too. (But don't think that I won't take her out to eat or something later!) Thanks Mom!
I've got wonderful parents and love them lots! Little things done in love are bigger and louder than you'd think.
Really quick, a couple of other special things that happened today: a squirrel came up on the porch where I was standing. It was maybe 1-2 feet away. It stopped, stood up, and just looked at me. I asked it what it was doing... and it just starred. It might creep someone else out, but at that moment, it was just cute. Another thing, when my Mom came over, she brought me some books. My family is cleaning out their outdated books in their library. Thomas, my youngest brother, was looking through some of the books they were getting rid of. There were a few medical books. He told Mom that I needed them. She said that I'd probably get other medical books, but he insisted that I should have these! So cute! I love me brother!
Thank you God for the caring people (and cute squirrels, I guess) that you sent me today!
He picked me up, bought me soup at Jason's Deli, and we chatted a bit. He even gave me the rest of his baked potato for later! One thing he did, that surprised me, was open the car door for me. I can't really remember a time that he went out of his way to open the car door for me. I've never thought about it before and really didn't care. If it takes more time for a guy to open a door for me (when I don't have things in my hands), then why do it? Still, Dad opened it and said that he wants to let me know how guys are supposed to treat me. Super Sweet!!!!!! I don't think he understands how much that stood out to me! I used to even fuss when guys tried to help me, but I've finally begun to realized that I want others to let me help them... so I have to let others help me. Thanks Dad!!!
After lunch, cleaning, and checking people in, I lay down again. My Mom had called me to say she was bringing over a package from home after work; when she got here, she said she was going to the store. I hate grocery shopping and have been trying to avoid it as long as possible. Every time I go alone, it seems to take forever! I wanted to go with her though. Company is always so much better and I love hanging out with her. Its almost like she's my best friend! We did our shopping together and it went so much faster! When we went to the checkout, I tried to pay for my stuff. It didn't go through so I was going to take something off. I had put some money into my checking account just today, so what went wrong!!!???!!! Mom went on and paid for it! I used to give people hard times when they'd try to pay for something for me. Once again, I've tried to pay for someone else and want them just to accept it as a gift. I try to do that now too. (But don't think that I won't take her out to eat or something later!) Thanks Mom!
I've got wonderful parents and love them lots! Little things done in love are bigger and louder than you'd think.
Really quick, a couple of other special things that happened today: a squirrel came up on the porch where I was standing. It was maybe 1-2 feet away. It stopped, stood up, and just looked at me. I asked it what it was doing... and it just starred. It might creep someone else out, but at that moment, it was just cute. Another thing, when my Mom came over, she brought me some books. My family is cleaning out their outdated books in their library. Thomas, my youngest brother, was looking through some of the books they were getting rid of. There were a few medical books. He told Mom that I needed them. She said that I'd probably get other medical books, but he insisted that I should have these! So cute! I love me brother!
Thank you God for the caring people (and cute squirrels, I guess) that you sent me today!
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