Wednesday threw me for a loop. "Hey, instead of taking classes for a year and then going to PNG, you can head out by August." So I pray and confirm that this is God's leading. I mentally begin to prepare for such a change in the plan.
Friday just made me dizzy. "I know you thought you were leaving in August, but now, it might be January (of next year)." WHAT?!?! I was getting really excited about shipping out by August and then I find out that there's more training I need before getting there.
If God knows what's going on and wants me over there, then why are things changing so much? Why can't things be in a straight line (so I can follow sequentially) rather than be in loops (like a cat trying to catch a moving light on the floor--which will never happen)?
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Shaking from Butterflies
I've always wondered at butterflies. Such a beautiful creation! So gentle and yet, they have survived in a world that is fierce and harsh.
Yesterday, I was getting ready to go to church when the butterflies came. Out of nowhere! Actually, the source was in an email. I have the option of going to PNG much sooner than I'd thought was possible. Its true that the option was there the entire time, but I thought I didn't want it. The plan was to do literacy work training here in the states and then head over to specifically do that. I come to believe that God has a slightly different plan. I will train while working there. I'll still be doing literacy work in order to help the people of PNG to learn to read God's Word.
At the suggestion of change and the possibility of moving things sooner, I started to shake. It was like the butterflies one gets before getting up to sing in front of people, going down the first drop on a roller coaster, or the decision to jump of a ledge with a rope tied to your feet. My heart began racing and I wanted to cry just to release tension. I prayed to God. "What exactly do you want me to do?" And He began answering me; not in a big, booming voice that I could hear, but He spoke to my heart through His spirit that lives in me.
When I got to church, I was a few minutes late. We had been going through Romans and found ourselves in chapter 5. We talked about how God's spirit lives within us, how Jesus came just at the right time, and how we became justified and reconciled. As a relating reference, Philip (the evangelist--from Acts 8) came up. The Spirit lead him (bit by bit) and then told him to talk to the Ethiopian. Because of this, the Ethiopian was saved and praised God. The Spirit told him, "go this way", so Philip did. I want that leading to happen in my life.
On the way home, I told God that if my Mom was okay with it and was at peace with it, then He was telling me to go on to PNG as a Short Term Assistant (for two years). I never really know what Mom's going to think so I figured anything could happen. When I talked to her about it, she was good with it! I'm still praying over it before publicly making the decision (though the internet is more public, but whatever). I do believe that this is what I need to do.
Still, as I think about it and talk it over, I begin to shake (both out of nervousness and excitement). I've got a good job with all my things around me, and I'm settled in where I am. I'm comfortable, so part of me says "why should I go?... why should I exchange all of this to have my face, eyes, lips dried out by an airplane ride, go through intense language training, hike and get my feet stuck in the mud, along with possibility having to eat strange dishes and miss my friends and family?... I'm fine where I am!"
Its this thought that is even scarier than facing the unknown and having no plan. I don't want my life to be simply "normal" and "routine". God meant for our lives to be adventures and for us to risk everything; He did everything for us. So then... I'll Prepare. Pray. Have faith that God will provide what I need. Get on a plane (or two... or three...) and follow -- step by step -- what His spirit tells me (always looking for opportunities). With or without butterflies.
Now, to get to work...
Yesterday, I was getting ready to go to church when the butterflies came. Out of nowhere! Actually, the source was in an email. I have the option of going to PNG much sooner than I'd thought was possible. Its true that the option was there the entire time, but I thought I didn't want it. The plan was to do literacy work training here in the states and then head over to specifically do that. I come to believe that God has a slightly different plan. I will train while working there. I'll still be doing literacy work in order to help the people of PNG to learn to read God's Word.
At the suggestion of change and the possibility of moving things sooner, I started to shake. It was like the butterflies one gets before getting up to sing in front of people, going down the first drop on a roller coaster, or the decision to jump of a ledge with a rope tied to your feet. My heart began racing and I wanted to cry just to release tension. I prayed to God. "What exactly do you want me to do?" And He began answering me; not in a big, booming voice that I could hear, but He spoke to my heart through His spirit that lives in me.
When I got to church, I was a few minutes late. We had been going through Romans and found ourselves in chapter 5. We talked about how God's spirit lives within us, how Jesus came just at the right time, and how we became justified and reconciled. As a relating reference, Philip (the evangelist--from Acts 8) came up. The Spirit lead him (bit by bit) and then told him to talk to the Ethiopian. Because of this, the Ethiopian was saved and praised God. The Spirit told him, "go this way", so Philip did. I want that leading to happen in my life.
On the way home, I told God that if my Mom was okay with it and was at peace with it, then He was telling me to go on to PNG as a Short Term Assistant (for two years). I never really know what Mom's going to think so I figured anything could happen. When I talked to her about it, she was good with it! I'm still praying over it before publicly making the decision (though the internet is more public, but whatever). I do believe that this is what I need to do.
Still, as I think about it and talk it over, I begin to shake (both out of nervousness and excitement). I've got a good job with all my things around me, and I'm settled in where I am. I'm comfortable, so part of me says "why should I go?... why should I exchange all of this to have my face, eyes, lips dried out by an airplane ride, go through intense language training, hike and get my feet stuck in the mud, along with possibility having to eat strange dishes and miss my friends and family?... I'm fine where I am!"
Its this thought that is even scarier than facing the unknown and having no plan. I don't want my life to be simply "normal" and "routine". God meant for our lives to be adventures and for us to risk everything; He did everything for us. So then... I'll Prepare. Pray. Have faith that God will provide what I need. Get on a plane (or two... or three...) and follow -- step by step -- what His spirit tells me (always looking for opportunities). With or without butterflies.
Now, to get to work...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Something Known, Realized
Have you ever known something was true, but didn't quite believe or understand it completely?
This last weekend, I got to go with my church to TCTC (Tennessee Christian Teen Convention). I went as a sponsor this time and found it (at first) a bit strange. Alright, I'm 23 and the youngest of the sponsors. Many of the "youth" are good friends and we hang out. I only hang out with the other "sponsors" at church and other "youth events". I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I fit in more with the youth than the sponsors, though I am more mature in my faith and such than the youth. (The sponsors are wonderful people too by the way).
See, ever since I came home from college (back to my church), I've felt it. I don't have a niche, a group, a place I belong. Those that are my age either don't come or are married. The one guy that isn't married is years older than I and has always hung out with a certain group of his age. The youth are in college or high school ...or, yes, middle school... and don't quite understand me and where I'm coming from. I end up going to my parents' class because I need more "meat" than the younger classes. (Not just milk or apple sauce for nutrition---in spiritual growth.)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not knocking my church. Its wonderful and I love going there! Wouldn't I have stopped going if it wasn't worth it? The drawback is that there really aren't singles my age. For almost two years, I've had this struggle. There is a loneliness that wants to consume me, yet I refuse to give in. I've kept going to church and (though I know--in my head-- that everyone sees me as included in the whole group of the church), there's not a slot I fit into nicely. I do lots of different things and know I am blessed by God. People encourage me there and I'm still growing. I tell you this so you know where I have been for the past year and three quarters; and so you'll understand the significance to the following.
As I was participating in TCTC (in the music, the lessons, the fun, the responsibilities, the people), I was reminded of how I had seen the same experiences when I was in high school as compared to now. I was always thinking of what others would think. There were some times I would jump out on my own and do what my heart was urging me to do; and others when I would hold back because those around me might see me as way too odd. This time, I held my hands up and danced when I wanted to; I played fun games while still watching out for people; I soaked in all the knowledge I could, only this time it was not for the emotional high (like when I was in Sr High). I wanted to grasp what I learned so to build on what I knew; to feel nourished and strengthened as well as to do the same for others.
When I reflected on that, I got it! I do fit in! I make my own slot to fit in and if others want to join where I am, cool. If not, whatever. It was like a heavy pack lifted off of my back from a too-long, very drawn-out journey. I can be me: who God is making me into and not have to worry about expectations that others may try to restrain me with.
I can be free in my singleness, free in my independence from the world and dependence on God, free from wondering if I may be scoffed at by what I may do or say. We are all odd in one way or another. Its just odd that we try to hide it and, therefore, become chained from hiding what we truly are.
This last weekend, I got to go with my church to TCTC (Tennessee Christian Teen Convention). I went as a sponsor this time and found it (at first) a bit strange. Alright, I'm 23 and the youngest of the sponsors. Many of the "youth" are good friends and we hang out. I only hang out with the other "sponsors" at church and other "youth events". I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I fit in more with the youth than the sponsors, though I am more mature in my faith and such than the youth. (The sponsors are wonderful people too by the way).
See, ever since I came home from college (back to my church), I've felt it. I don't have a niche, a group, a place I belong. Those that are my age either don't come or are married. The one guy that isn't married is years older than I and has always hung out with a certain group of his age. The youth are in college or high school ...or, yes, middle school... and don't quite understand me and where I'm coming from. I end up going to my parents' class because I need more "meat" than the younger classes. (Not just milk or apple sauce for nutrition---in spiritual growth.)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not knocking my church. Its wonderful and I love going there! Wouldn't I have stopped going if it wasn't worth it? The drawback is that there really aren't singles my age. For almost two years, I've had this struggle. There is a loneliness that wants to consume me, yet I refuse to give in. I've kept going to church and (though I know--in my head-- that everyone sees me as included in the whole group of the church), there's not a slot I fit into nicely. I do lots of different things and know I am blessed by God. People encourage me there and I'm still growing. I tell you this so you know where I have been for the past year and three quarters; and so you'll understand the significance to the following.
As I was participating in TCTC (in the music, the lessons, the fun, the responsibilities, the people), I was reminded of how I had seen the same experiences when I was in high school as compared to now. I was always thinking of what others would think. There were some times I would jump out on my own and do what my heart was urging me to do; and others when I would hold back because those around me might see me as way too odd. This time, I held my hands up and danced when I wanted to; I played fun games while still watching out for people; I soaked in all the knowledge I could, only this time it was not for the emotional high (like when I was in Sr High). I wanted to grasp what I learned so to build on what I knew; to feel nourished and strengthened as well as to do the same for others.
When I reflected on that, I got it! I do fit in! I make my own slot to fit in and if others want to join where I am, cool. If not, whatever. It was like a heavy pack lifted off of my back from a too-long, very drawn-out journey. I can be me: who God is making me into and not have to worry about expectations that others may try to restrain me with.
I can be free in my singleness, free in my independence from the world and dependence on God, free from wondering if I may be scoffed at by what I may do or say. We are all odd in one way or another. Its just odd that we try to hide it and, therefore, become chained from hiding what we truly are.
Hot and Cold
I usually tend to wish winter away. After a while of so much cold, I begin to want the warmth back. Cold just gets to me. I don't like having a runny nose, dry skin, and having to wear a big, poofy coat. Snow is good, but after a while, I really start missing the green grass and ability to keep my shoes dry. Most of the time, I find myself cold (even in seasons that aren't winter) and that feeling makes me sleepy and drowsy. (...and who likes to go through a day like that?) Today, though, was a bit different.
I had a few errands to run and had to drive much slower than usual since there was snow and ice everywhere. I got most everything done and went to my parents' house. I got to see my dog and my family's other two dogs. I let them out and tried to chisel the ice out of their water and food bowls. I (with help from my brother) got hay into their dog house, filled their water, and gave them food. At one point, I slipped in the snow and fell on some wood pieces. My first thought was "oh great, now I'll be totally wet as I drive home"... but it didn't turn out that way. Since I thought I was destined to get cold and wet, I thought I might as well do it right; so I played with my dogs in the snow, pushed snow off of the dog house, and so on. The interesting thing is that (as I came inside), the only things wet were my shoes and gloves.
Once my reservations about getting cold and wet were gone (or rather, when I thought it had already happened), I had more fun with the snow. I didn't even feel cold! I somewhat smell like a dog, so I should probably go take a shower soon. But still... Why is it so hard for some to just stop worrying and have fun? ...even in the dark, cold winter things can have beauty and excitement!
I had a few errands to run and had to drive much slower than usual since there was snow and ice everywhere. I got most everything done and went to my parents' house. I got to see my dog and my family's other two dogs. I let them out and tried to chisel the ice out of their water and food bowls. I (with help from my brother) got hay into their dog house, filled their water, and gave them food. At one point, I slipped in the snow and fell on some wood pieces. My first thought was "oh great, now I'll be totally wet as I drive home"... but it didn't turn out that way. Since I thought I was destined to get cold and wet, I thought I might as well do it right; so I played with my dogs in the snow, pushed snow off of the dog house, and so on. The interesting thing is that (as I came inside), the only things wet were my shoes and gloves.
Once my reservations about getting cold and wet were gone (or rather, when I thought it had already happened), I had more fun with the snow. I didn't even feel cold! I somewhat smell like a dog, so I should probably go take a shower soon. But still... Why is it so hard for some to just stop worrying and have fun? ...even in the dark, cold winter things can have beauty and excitement!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Visits
*Hope:
So it starts. Friends are going to be in the area and they might even come visit you! Texting happens, calls occur, and either you find out that they are not going to get to see you or you move to the next level.
**Anticipation:
You start planning what you might do when they come. You look around and decide that you want/need to clean or at least tidy up. You think about food options (where to go eat or what to eat "in"). You get together things that you meant to give them a week or a year ago and say to yourself "don't forget to actually give this to them!" You give them directions a few times and constantly find yourself looking out the window to see if they're here yet!
***The Visit:
You greet your friends and maybe meet new ones. You catch up on things that've happened since you've seen each other and learn what's new. You give them a grand tour of where you live (whether its practically a closet or a mansion). You share inside jokes or fond memories and realize that you're super hungry! You talk about what's good around and (after much debate) the decision is made to go somewhere that serves food. You eat but with much socialization. After you're done, you realize that you still need a little more time together, so you go to a hang out spot and play a game. Once someone triumphs, you show them around to a site or two in your city and then head home. More talking, chilling, and possible picture showing happens and by that time, its almost time for dinner. They've got plans to go somewhere so you get goodbye hugs and see them out.
****Withdrawal:
Its empty in the house now so you have to take your mind off of it. You feel hungry so you start dinner and pick out a movie to see. When you so to choose a film worthy of taking up an hour or two, you find that your friends left something behind. You give them a call and they say they'll come get it after dinner. You eat dinner, watch your movie, and start working out.
*****Second Hope, Anticipation, and Visit:
You get a call that they're on their way and so repeat some of the "anticipation" and "visit" stages (since they have brought another person that can take the tour!) These stages go faster since its later at night and they're a little tired.
******Second Withdrawal:
You resume your workout until you feel you might pass out. You're so tired now that the withdrawal isn't as bad as before. You take a shower and do your routine before bed.
This was most of my day today! Eric and Caitlin came and visited... and later Paul did too! Its been a great day! ...and I've learned that I put lots and lots of exclamation points all the time when I write. Hmm. And so I will always look forwards to more visits and more friends.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Iced
Today, I went out to find my car completely iced over! It took a while to scrape most of it off so I could see in order to drive. When I was cleaning off my car, I looked down. Beneath my boots was a layer of ice and on the other side I could clearly see leaves that seemed to be floating on a layer of water. I wasn't on a pond or anything (just my parking lot). I laughed to myself and continued scraping ice. Ice (when I picture it in my mind) seems clear and beautiful. It can break too easily at times (which is why you have to make sure where you skate is safe).
As I began driving, I knew that I had to be a bit more careful than most days I drive. Ice and slush seemed to be all over the roads and I didn't really feel like getting into a car accident. The thing about ice is that its hard to see at times. I turned left at a light and found my car moving in its own way (and not the way I was hoping for). I didn't crash, but merely slid into the lane (a bit more out of control than I'd like). Ice may be beautiful to the mind and the eye, but living with it in real life is something totally different. Its like a lion. In pictures, they seem lazy, cute, fuzzy animals. In real life, they can kill things that run lots faster than I do. I was driving back to my house and realized some branches had fallen into the street (some big branches). The ice had made them way too heavy so they caved under the pressure.
Temptation is like ice in the winter. It looks pretty and may even be invisible to some people. It seems harmless, but once someone starts on its path, one can slip and fall easier. Its harder to stop once you are going faster and can even break people. Some think they can see pretty clearly through it, but it distorts the real thing and leads people incorrectly. You might be getting the hang of skating through life, and then the ice breaks.
Beware of ice.
As I began driving, I knew that I had to be a bit more careful than most days I drive. Ice and slush seemed to be all over the roads and I didn't really feel like getting into a car accident. The thing about ice is that its hard to see at times. I turned left at a light and found my car moving in its own way (and not the way I was hoping for). I didn't crash, but merely slid into the lane (a bit more out of control than I'd like). Ice may be beautiful to the mind and the eye, but living with it in real life is something totally different. Its like a lion. In pictures, they seem lazy, cute, fuzzy animals. In real life, they can kill things that run lots faster than I do. I was driving back to my house and realized some branches had fallen into the street (some big branches). The ice had made them way too heavy so they caved under the pressure.
Temptation is like ice in the winter. It looks pretty and may even be invisible to some people. It seems harmless, but once someone starts on its path, one can slip and fall easier. Its harder to stop once you are going faster and can even break people. Some think they can see pretty clearly through it, but it distorts the real thing and leads people incorrectly. You might be getting the hang of skating through life, and then the ice breaks.
Beware of ice.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Dizziness
Do you ever get so caught up in everything in life... everything you have to do... that you literally get dizzy? Lately each night that I've gotten in my car later at night and driven home, it happens. First, I start to get really sad about those I'm leaving. I don't want to leave but know I have to get home. I catch myself doing this and tell myself, "you're just tired, Michelle; let's just get home and get to bed so you'll feel better."
Next thing I know, I'm even more emotional. As I run through my day, issues seem to pop up. That guest that was rude to me. My relationship with my sister. To have or not have a boyfriend. And on and on and on. Suddenly, I'm all worked up and trying not to cry so I can continue to see as I'm driving. I'll talk to God about all of this and about who I am. I look at how much I've changed and wonder if its for the better or worse. I end up turning on the music and if there's a good song on, I'll sing with all the passion I've built up in me till I'm home.
I crash in bed after my usual routine of trying to wind down. All of this combined leaves me extremely dizzy and confused. It can be from sleepiness (or hungriness) to pushing these issues back because I don't seem to have time to really deal with them until I'm way too emotional and tired. When I start thinking about it, I get dragged under the current of problems I have with me. I feel like I'm drowning at times.
I'm not saying that I'm depressed or am constantly pushing away issues in my life. I know, however, that I am an imperfect perfectionist who tries to control things way to much, ends up with way too much on my plate, and gets moody when I don't get enough sleep or food. There are so many things one must balance. In the end, how does one know if something is purely physical (not getting enough food) or spiritual/emotional (not dealing with the deeper issues)?
Next thing I know, I'm even more emotional. As I run through my day, issues seem to pop up. That guest that was rude to me. My relationship with my sister. To have or not have a boyfriend. And on and on and on. Suddenly, I'm all worked up and trying not to cry so I can continue to see as I'm driving. I'll talk to God about all of this and about who I am. I look at how much I've changed and wonder if its for the better or worse. I end up turning on the music and if there's a good song on, I'll sing with all the passion I've built up in me till I'm home.
I crash in bed after my usual routine of trying to wind down. All of this combined leaves me extremely dizzy and confused. It can be from sleepiness (or hungriness) to pushing these issues back because I don't seem to have time to really deal with them until I'm way too emotional and tired. When I start thinking about it, I get dragged under the current of problems I have with me. I feel like I'm drowning at times.
I'm not saying that I'm depressed or am constantly pushing away issues in my life. I know, however, that I am an imperfect perfectionist who tries to control things way to much, ends up with way too much on my plate, and gets moody when I don't get enough sleep or food. There are so many things one must balance. In the end, how does one know if something is purely physical (not getting enough food) or spiritual/emotional (not dealing with the deeper issues)?
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