Do you ever get so caught up in everything in life... everything you have to do... that you literally get dizzy? Lately each night that I've gotten in my car later at night and driven home, it happens. First, I start to get really sad about those I'm leaving. I don't want to leave but know I have to get home. I catch myself doing this and tell myself, "you're just tired, Michelle; let's just get home and get to bed so you'll feel better."
Next thing I know, I'm even more emotional. As I run through my day, issues seem to pop up. That guest that was rude to me. My relationship with my sister. To have or not have a boyfriend. And on and on and on. Suddenly, I'm all worked up and trying not to cry so I can continue to see as I'm driving. I'll talk to God about all of this and about who I am. I look at how much I've changed and wonder if its for the better or worse. I end up turning on the music and if there's a good song on, I'll sing with all the passion I've built up in me till I'm home.
I crash in bed after my usual routine of trying to wind down. All of this combined leaves me extremely dizzy and confused. It can be from sleepiness (or hungriness) to pushing these issues back because I don't seem to have time to really deal with them until I'm way too emotional and tired. When I start thinking about it, I get dragged under the current of problems I have with me. I feel like I'm drowning at times.
I'm not saying that I'm depressed or am constantly pushing away issues in my life. I know, however, that I am an imperfect perfectionist who tries to control things way to much, ends up with way too much on my plate, and gets moody when I don't get enough sleep or food. There are so many things one must balance. In the end, how does one know if something is purely physical (not getting enough food) or spiritual/emotional (not dealing with the deeper issues)?
I think for me i have a hard time trying to decide whether or not something is emotional or spiritual (although these can be very similar right?) I mean am I just down? or am I feeling some spiritual burden that I need to pray through. Believe it or not I have been struggling with similar thoughts as you lately, maybe not the exact same, but whenever I go to bed I (or a lot of the time) I am alone in my thoughts and I can't get distracted from them anymore, so the thoughts start to arise "why does church suck?" (maybe not in those words :) "why do I feel so abandoned", "why can't I seem to make any new friends", "why has the crap from the past year happened", etc...I know the worst thing I can do is just leave all those emotions alone, because that makes me feel worse, and I know part of it is needing to give them over to God, but I know for peace of mind talking to a friend can help, I guess what I'm trying to say is if you need someone to talk to then call me, because I know that I need someone to talk to sometimes, if you don't that's fine. I hope your day today has been better :D
ReplyDeleteThanks dude! That's totally sweet. One thing that's bothering me right now is the "to" in my last paragraph that is supposed to read "too". I went to edit it, but it says its right when I do... so its kinda frustrating. Anyway, that (being insignificant) isn't the main purpose here. Alex, I've been contacted/contacting others that I know (of our age). Most of them are feeling the same thing we are. Its crazy! Maybe its an epidemic! Whatever it is, we're not alone. That's just what the enemy wants us to think: that we're alone. Its a lie and we don't have to believe it. Things will work out (usually not how we think they will) and we'll move on to whatever the next challenge is.
ReplyDeleteMain thing I'm saying is "thanks for being there for me" and that "this too shall pass". Giving things to God is difficult... but with lots of practice, I'm sure we'll get better! Woooo whooooo! Growing up!
I am sorry I haven't seen your response until now! I agree it might be an epidemic...our age presents such a transition, oy vey. But I can see so much good coming out of the trials that we face now. My main thing is just feeling so alone in it all, I know I need to give stuff over to God, but that doesn't seem like enough sometimes...ugh, well thanks for taking the time to read my comment and my blog :)
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p.s I don't know how I've "been there" for you, but you're welcome! and I hope we can talk soon :)
You've been there for me by keeping in touch and praying. Its good stuff. And hopefully, this epidemic will end soon. ;)
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