Kung Fu

I believe I started going to Kung Fu on November 19th of 2010 and I'm super thankful that it was revealed to me!  Yes, I've gotten plenty of bruises and came away from it sweaty and sore.  Still, I realize that I feel more confident, fit, and have a bigger smile because of it.  I've been swapping back and forth between Aikido and Kung Fu.  Aikido means "harmony" and uses the other person's aggression against them.  In Kung Fu, I am a crane and have worked on punching, kicking, body position, and other such things.

I'm not really working for belts, but rather the knowledge that comes with them.  I want to be able to know a bit more of what to do if I fall into a compromising position that I have to fight my way out of.  I am not one who wants (or goes looking) to fight or hurt anyone.  Tonight, though, I found that I am able to bite back if I'm hurt.

One of the guys I was learning from started showing me some moves.  He said that "if they're not hurting, you're not doing it right".  I was hurting when I was learning these moves, but it also helped me to be a bit more aggressive with him.  When I am out on a street and some guy comes looking to hurt me, do you really think he'll hold back?  If he doesn't, I don't need to either.  I'm not talking about killing or anything.  I would NEVER.  I just need that chance to hurt him enough that he doesn't want to try it again... or at least that chance for me to get away.

I love learning these things (even though I'm one of the only girls there who really participates).  More girls need to get involved in this kind of self defense... just in case.  If nothing, its been a good opportunity to bond a bit with my brothers!

Side note:  I got one of my EMT buddies to come with me Monday.  It was good to have her there and I think she liked it too!  Yay!

All At Once

For this title, I think of Jack Johnson.  If only this instance was more soothing like that song.  My mind has made rules.  They might seem to be stupid rules, but they're still rules in the end.  I feel empty.

Right now (because of stupid bills, payment on EMT class, and such), I have no money.  None to buy food or gas, which complicates things.  Please know this:  I don't want help if you read this.  Its kinda one of my rules in my head.  Since I'm raising money in order to go train in Dallas and then go to PNG, I don't want to ask for help right now (since I'd rather have help for raising money for the previous).  Weird, I know, but it happens.  I'll survived.  I've done it for about two and a half weeks so I can do it again until payday in the middle of this month.  Let me revise that a bit:  God is helping me do this.  He knows what I need... and apparently, my pride needs to be broken a bit in the process (is what I'm guessing).

Still, another issue is that I'm dizzy.  It started a bit on Tuesday morning, slacked off, and continued back strongly this morning (and still now).  This morning, the dizziness was accompanied with a bit of nausea.  I didn't really get sick (praise God), but it was there.  It took a bit off of my focus to checkoff on my IV and meds push for EMT class... but I passed (another praise God).  Mom and my brother Casey said they weren't feeling well today either, and someone stole the money out of my mom's bank account.  Dude!!!!  What?!

To top everything off, my sister and I are having issues still.  They seem to continue to escalate the longer we set "problem-solving" on the back burner.  Ever since I came back from college, we've both changed and haven't really had the time to get to know each other again.  There's also the boyfriend of hers that I don't quite get along with and it seems she's always picking him over me any day.  We're trying to work things out, but I'm so tired of fussing that I'm about to just give up completely.

I know that God only gives you what you can handle... or there's something He's set up for someone else to help out with too.  It just reminds me of Job and his trials (though this is nothing remotely close to the harshness of them).  It'll work out, but encouragement and advice are always welcome!

Make Up Your Mind!

Wednesday threw me for a loop.  "Hey, instead of taking classes for a year and then going to PNG, you can head out by August."  So I pray and confirm that this is God's leading.  I mentally begin to prepare for such a change in the plan.

Friday just made me dizzy.  "I know you thought you were leaving in August, but now, it might be January (of next year)."  WHAT?!?!  I was getting really excited about shipping out by August and then I find out that there's more training I need before getting there.

If God knows what's going on and wants me over there, then why are things changing so much?  Why can't things be in a straight line (so I can follow sequentially) rather than be in loops (like a cat trying to catch a moving light on the floor--which will never happen)?

Shaking from Butterflies

I've always wondered at butterflies.  Such a beautiful creation!  So gentle and yet, they have survived in a world that is fierce and harsh.

Yesterday, I was getting ready to go to church when the butterflies came.  Out of nowhere!  Actually, the source was in an email.  I have the option of going to PNG much sooner than I'd thought was possible.  Its true that the option was there the entire time, but I thought I didn't want it.  The plan was to do literacy work training here in the states and then head over to specifically do that.  I come to believe that God has a slightly different plan.  I will train while working there.  I'll still be doing literacy work in order to help the people of PNG to learn to read God's Word.

At the suggestion of change and the possibility of moving things sooner, I started to shake.  It was like the butterflies one gets before getting up to sing in front of people, going down the first drop on a roller coaster, or the decision to jump of a ledge with a rope tied to your feet.  My heart began racing and I wanted to cry just to release tension.  I prayed to God.  "What exactly do you want me to do?"  And He began answering me; not in a big, booming voice that I could hear, but He spoke to my heart through His spirit that lives in me.

When I got to church, I was a few minutes late.  We had been going through Romans and found ourselves in chapter 5.  We talked about how God's spirit lives within us, how Jesus came just at the right time, and how we became justified and reconciled.  As a relating reference, Philip (the evangelist--from Acts 8) came up.  The Spirit lead him (bit by bit) and then told him to talk to the Ethiopian.  Because of this, the Ethiopian was saved and praised God.  The Spirit told him, "go this way", so Philip did.  I want that leading to happen in my life.

On the way home, I told God that if my Mom was okay with it and was at peace with it, then He was telling me to go on to PNG as a Short Term Assistant (for two years).  I never really know what Mom's going to think so I figured anything could happen.  When I talked to her about it, she was good with it!  I'm still praying over it before publicly making the decision (though the internet is more public, but whatever).  I do believe that this is what I need to do.

Still, as I think about it and talk it over, I begin to shake (both out of nervousness and excitement).  I've got a good job with all my things around me, and I'm settled in where I am.  I'm comfortable, so part of me says "why should I go?... why should I exchange all of this to have my face, eyes, lips dried out by an airplane ride, go through intense language training, hike and get my feet stuck in the mud, along with possibility having to eat strange dishes and miss my friends and family?... I'm fine where I am!"

Its this thought that is even scarier than facing the unknown and having no plan.  I don't want my life to be simply "normal" and "routine".  God meant for our lives to be adventures and for us to risk everything; He did everything for us.  So then... I'll Prepare.  Pray.  Have faith that God will provide what I need.  Get on a plane (or two... or three...) and follow -- step by step -- what His spirit tells me (always looking for opportunities).  With or without butterflies.

Now, to get to work...

Something Known, Realized

Have you ever known something was true, but didn't quite believe or understand it completely?

This last weekend, I got to go with my church to TCTC (Tennessee Christian Teen Convention).  I went as a sponsor this time and found it (at first) a bit strange.  Alright, I'm 23 and the youngest of the sponsors.  Many of the "youth" are good friends and we hang out.  I only hang out with the other "sponsors" at church and other "youth events".  I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I fit in more with the youth than the sponsors, though I am more mature in my faith and such than the youth.  (The sponsors are wonderful people too by the way).

See, ever since I came home from college (back to my church), I've felt it.  I don't have a niche, a group, a place I belong.  Those that are my age either don't come or are married.  The one guy that isn't married is years older than I and has always hung out with a certain group of his age.  The youth are in college or high school ...or, yes, middle school... and don't quite understand me and where I'm coming from.  I end up going to my parents' class because I need more "meat" than the younger classes.  (Not just milk or apple sauce for nutrition---in spiritual growth.)

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not knocking my church.  Its wonderful and I love going there!  Wouldn't I have stopped going if it wasn't worth it?  The drawback is that there really aren't singles my age.  For almost two years, I've had this struggle.  There is a loneliness that wants to consume me, yet I refuse to give in.  I've kept going to church and (though I know--in my head-- that everyone sees me as included in the whole group of the church), there's not a slot I fit into nicely.  I do lots of different things and know I am blessed by God.  People encourage me there and I'm still growing.  I tell you this so you know where I have been for the past year and three quarters; and so you'll understand the significance to the following.

As I was participating in TCTC (in the music, the lessons, the fun, the responsibilities, the people), I was reminded of how I had seen the same experiences when I was in high school as compared to now.  I was always thinking of what others would think.  There were some times I would jump out on my own and do what my heart was urging me to do; and others when I would hold back because those around me might see me as way too odd.  This time, I held my hands up and danced when I wanted to; I played fun games while still watching out for people; I soaked in all the knowledge I could, only this time it was not for the emotional high (like when I was in Sr High).  I wanted to grasp what I learned so to build on what I knew; to feel nourished and strengthened as well as to do the same for others.

When I reflected on that, I got it!  I do fit in!  I make my own slot to fit in and if others want to join where I am, cool.  If not, whatever.  It was like a heavy pack lifted off of my back from a too-long, very drawn-out journey.  I can be me: who God is making me into and not have to worry about expectations that others may try to restrain me with.

I can be free in my singleness, free in my independence from the world and dependence on God, free from wondering if I may be scoffed at by what I may do or say.  We are all odd in one way or another.  Its just odd that we try to hide it and, therefore, become chained from hiding what we truly are.

Hot and Cold

I usually tend to wish winter away.  After a while of so much cold, I begin to want the warmth back.  Cold just gets to me.  I don't like having a runny nose, dry skin, and having to wear a big, poofy coat.  Snow is good, but after a while, I really start missing the green grass and ability to keep my shoes dry.  Most of the time, I find myself cold (even in seasons that aren't winter) and that feeling makes me sleepy and drowsy. (...and who likes to go through a day like that?)  Today, though, was a bit different.

I had a few errands to run and had to drive much slower than usual since there was snow and ice everywhere.  I got most everything done and went to my parents' house.  I got to see my dog and my family's other two dogs.  I let them out and tried to chisel the ice out of their water and food bowls.  I (with help from my brother) got hay into their dog house, filled their water, and gave them food.  At one point, I slipped in the snow and fell on some wood pieces.  My first thought was "oh great, now I'll be totally wet as I drive home"... but it didn't turn out that way.  Since I thought I was destined to get cold and wet, I thought I might as well do it right; so I played with my dogs in the snow, pushed snow off of the dog house, and so on.  The interesting thing is that (as I came inside), the only things wet were my shoes and gloves.

Once my reservations about getting cold and wet were gone (or rather, when I thought it had already happened), I had more fun with the snow.  I didn't even feel cold!  I somewhat smell like a dog, so I should probably go take a shower soon.  But still... Why is it so hard for some to just stop worrying and have fun?  ...even in the dark, cold winter things can have beauty and excitement!

Visits

*Hope:

So it starts.  Friends are going to be in the area and they might even come visit you!  Texting happens, calls occur, and either you find out that they are not going to get to see you or you move to the next level.

**Anticipation:

You start planning what you might do when they come.  You look around and decide that you want/need to clean or at least tidy up.  You think about food options (where to go eat or what to eat "in").  You get together things that you meant to give them a week or a year ago and say to yourself "don't forget to actually give this to them!"  You give them directions a few times and constantly find yourself looking out the window to see if they're here yet!

***The Visit:

You greet your friends and maybe meet new ones.  You catch up on things that've happened since you've seen each other and learn what's new.  You give them a grand tour of where you live (whether its practically a closet or a mansion).  You share inside jokes or fond memories and realize that you're super hungry!  You talk about what's good around and (after much debate) the decision is made to go somewhere that serves food.  You eat but with much socialization.  After you're done, you realize that you still need a little more time together, so you go to a hang out spot and play a game.  Once someone triumphs, you show them around to a site or two in your city and then head home.  More talking, chilling, and possible picture showing happens and by that time, its almost time for dinner.  They've got plans to go somewhere so you get goodbye hugs and see them out.

****Withdrawal:

Its empty in the house now so you have to take your mind off of it.  You feel hungry so you start dinner and pick out a movie to see.  When you so to choose a film worthy of taking up an hour or two, you find that your friends left something behind.  You give them a call and they say they'll come get it after dinner.  You eat dinner, watch your movie, and start working out.  

*****Second Hope, Anticipation, and Visit:

You get a call that they're on their way and so repeat some of the "anticipation" and "visit" stages  (since they have brought another person that can take the tour!)  These stages go faster since its later at night and they're a little tired.

******Second Withdrawal:

You resume your workout until you feel you might pass out.  You're so tired now that the withdrawal isn't as bad as before.  You take a shower and do your routine before bed.

This was most of my day today!  Eric and Caitlin came and visited... and later Paul did too!  Its been a great day!  ...and I've learned that I put lots and lots of exclamation points all the time when I write.  Hmm.  And so I will always look forwards to more visits and more friends.