This last weekend, I got to go with my church to TCTC (Tennessee Christian Teen Convention). I went as a sponsor this time and found it (at first) a bit strange. Alright, I'm 23 and the youngest of the sponsors. Many of the "youth" are good friends and we hang out. I only hang out with the other "sponsors" at church and other "youth events". I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I fit in more with the youth than the sponsors, though I am more mature in my faith and such than the youth. (The sponsors are wonderful people too by the way).
See, ever since I came home from college (back to my church), I've felt it. I don't have a niche, a group, a place I belong. Those that are my age either don't come or are married. The one guy that isn't married is years older than I and has always hung out with a certain group of his age. The youth are in college or high school ...or, yes, middle school... and don't quite understand me and where I'm coming from. I end up going to my parents' class because I need more "meat" than the younger classes. (Not just milk or apple sauce for nutrition---in spiritual growth.)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not knocking my church. Its wonderful and I love going there! Wouldn't I have stopped going if it wasn't worth it? The drawback is that there really aren't singles my age. For almost two years, I've had this struggle. There is a loneliness that wants to consume me, yet I refuse to give in. I've kept going to church and (though I know--in my head-- that everyone sees me as included in the whole group of the church), there's not a slot I fit into nicely. I do lots of different things and know I am blessed by God. People encourage me there and I'm still growing. I tell you this so you know where I have been for the past year and three quarters; and so you'll understand the significance to the following.
As I was participating in TCTC (in the music, the lessons, the fun, the responsibilities, the people), I was reminded of how I had seen the same experiences when I was in high school as compared to now. I was always thinking of what others would think. There were some times I would jump out on my own and do what my heart was urging me to do; and others when I would hold back because those around me might see me as way too odd. This time, I held my hands up and danced when I wanted to; I played fun games while still watching out for people; I soaked in all the knowledge I could, only this time it was not for the emotional high (like when I was in Sr High). I wanted to grasp what I learned so to build on what I knew; to feel nourished and strengthened as well as to do the same for others.
When I reflected on that, I got it! I do fit in! I make my own slot to fit in and if others want to join where I am, cool. If not, whatever. It was like a heavy pack lifted off of my back from a too-long, very drawn-out journey. I can be me: who God is making me into and not have to worry about expectations that others may try to restrain me with.
I can be free in my singleness, free in my independence from the world and dependence on God, free from wondering if I may be scoffed at by what I may do or say. We are all odd in one way or another. Its just odd that we try to hide it and, therefore, become chained from hiding what we truly are.
I think that this is a very important lesson you have learned. I think it is key to learn who you are so you can help others, that almost sounds backwards, but I've found that if you try to help others without knowing yourself, your identity will be swept away...or i mean it will be based on what they think of you, make sense? I have been going through almost this exact thing (not fitting in at church) but unlike you I don't have a history there...yeah. Well, that's all I have :)
ReplyDeleteI agree totally Alex. I'm wondering how people who get married so young can truly know who they are enough to be sure of what that means for their partner. Yeah... btw, how are you trying to "fit into your church"?... or are you?
ReplyDeletei agree with that as well (about people getting married young) but I think there's a pressure about that also, but that's another subject. I am trying to fit into my church...but it there's not many ways to connect socially...it seems like everything is a "church" thing...that being said I have skipped out on the 2 dinners they've had...and there was something tonight but that cost $5 and I was thinking it was more for teens...but kind of like your situation there aren't many people my age who aren't married...in fact I think there are zero college age/20 somethings there...well there's a girl there close to my age...but she's got a bf...maybe that's not an excuse to try to be nice...oh well, ttyl!
ReplyDeleteAlex, one thing that's helped me feel a bit more at home in my church is this: I think of it as a family instead a "hang out for people my age". I know its more difficult with less people your age who are single. Its like no one will really understand what you're going through, but if you're in that situation (and don't have intensions of leaving any time soon), just look at in like you trying to understand all the other diverse ages and relationships rather than simply focusing on the other way about it. Tell me how it works for you after you've really tried it for a month.
ReplyDeleteI'll try it!
ReplyDelete